Faces O,o

"Whoa. That was unexpected." Those were my thoughts as I heard the judge read the verdict.

Although I did, and still don't want Mike to go to jail because of me, it seems to me that the verdict nulls me of any responsibility regarding Mike's trial or prosecution. If the charges against him from me were found not guilty, I don't have a living soul to speak to about this nor should any of y'all going around running your god damned dick beaters about things that you know absolutely nothing about. Ha.

Part of me is happy that he is in custody. The other part of me still worries about those kids. Oh and don't get me started about Twerpalina. Dug her own grave. <I think I have said that before. LOL>

I have roads ahead of me. I need to go see the doctor, and get this whole college thing figured out. Should be of more interesting things to come. ;D

I think I may start to write short stories or something, I realized I really need a hobby. I thought I could take up crocheting. That would be a catch wouldn't it? A young strapping lad, such as myself, to crochet in the waiting room while I am waiting for the nurse at the doctor's office to call my name.

I kinda have no choice but to laugh at this one. xD

Falling....

I am on the edge of a canyon, looking down hundreds of feet to the tiny winding river below. I feel the wind blowing on my back. The heated air whips across my neck. It burns. I glance behind and see the people behind me, all with looks of horror on their faces. They know. I see the other side of the canyon, red earth getting beat down on by the sun and my neck. My lips are dry and cracked from lack of water. I hear vultures squawking above, circling as they await their next meal. I also hear the people behind me screaming how much they love me. I hear them yelling at me, begging me, pleading with me. I don't listen. I never listen. I jump.

mirror...

There is still feeling of unrest that comes from deep within my chest. Like a rock that sits where my heart is supposed to be. I am emotionally unstable. I went from happy to mad to sad in a matter of minutes.

Why am I still being dealt all the shitty cards of the deck? Shouldn't I feel better now that all of this is "over?" Shouldn't I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders? Shouldn't I feel warm and fuzzy when I look in the mirror? Shouldn't this be the time where I bounce out of bed bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, look at the world and shout "Bring it on!"

This may come as news to many people out there, but I am not happy. I feel as if weight has been added, not removed from my shoulders. I feel cold as ice and black as tar when I look in the mirror. I move sluggishly throughout the day. I wear only dark clothing, I think a reflection of my inner self.

Resent

I guess this is the time when I am supposed to say something absolutely stunning, brilliant, deep, heartfelt, and compassionate. Well, honestly, I don't have a god damned thing to say to any of you. You couldn't get more love or compassion out of a fucking rock than I. Utterly bewildered as to why you go and do all of that shit for a fucking liar. Please. Get a grip on reality as well as find yourself some fucking dignity. Get out from underneath that little rock, get your head out of your ass and open your eyes to see the light.

Wow. That felt good.

I guess I feel sorry for those kids. Not to mention Amanda, but she kinda dug her own grave on that one. Hate to be the one that has to go to sleep with that on their mind.

Well what about Mike? Did you love him? I don't see how that is relevant at court anyhow, other than to make me uncomfortable. That's not plausible. The jurors asked me that, and not that little twit of a lawyer. God, he makes me madder than a midget with a yo-yo.

Jamie, a yellow flower. Means friendship. That's about as far as I am going to go with you. I am not even sure you want that. :Honestly don't really give a flying fuck. Remember karma? The three-fold law? It's going to suck for you, and quite a few others.

And when that day comes, where y'all are going to face your own, I want to be there. I want to watch your crumble to your knees. I am going to laugh.

its like rain....

Interesting things in store for the near future. I am ill at heart for all of those affected, realizing how much of it is my fault despite the honest reality of the situation. I thought about trying to make it all go away. No choice but to let the judicial system take its course. I can only do one thing, tell the truth. Any person who wishes or may have wished me to say anything but the truth does not have me in mind, only their own selfish interests at heart.

I would very much like to escape from reality for a little bit. You know, go away and never come back. I have fantasized about growing wings or acquiring some sort of super power that allows me to get out of this. Once again, reality sets in. I realize that I cannot grow wings and fly away. I realize that I cannot disappear off the face of the earth by becoming invisible to the worlds eye. Such things are simply out of the realm of possibility.

Telling the truth is a lot harder than anyone could have imagined. To incriminate another because of wrongs not only removes him, but also removes all of those in support of him. It removes all of the people who said that they care about me. It removes all of the people who said that they love me. It removes all of the people who said that they have had my best interests at heart since the beginning. If that would be the case, they would be behind me right now, only wanting me to say the truth. This is not the case. People deviate from "love" for their own blood or creed.

For I was nothing but another child in the foster care system. I can't blame people for sticking with what they have always known. I am a fool to think that I could change a person. I am a fool to think that my heart would be protected.

Throughout all of this, I have learned many lessons. The most important, I think, that the only person that I can count on now is me. I am the only one that is always going to say I love you when I look in the mirror. I am the only person that is going to have my back when the world turns away from me. I can never count on someone else to support me in times of trouble.

I was deeply saddened when I came to that conclusion. I would have thought that there would be more heart and compassion from others. Granted, I have seen quite a bit of that in this past year in the unlikeliest of places. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Who am I to blame but myself? I have hurt others. I have lied. I have stolen. I have cheated. I have failed. I have regreted. I have apologized. I have been removed from lives, like a piece of cancer being removed from a patient. I have been the one who I despise the most. Despite all of that, I still love me.

Greetings Earthlings!

What does it matter who I am now? What matters of who I am to become. How to live by destiny, if one makes your own choice? Three fold back onto your evil deeds. Love yourself before you can love others.

Its a small world after all....

Him

I forgive you.

Ears-still-wet

Honestly find something better to do with your time. You are broken as it is, I hate to see you shatter when what you support is a horrible thing. Or may you be to ignorant to realize such things.

Felonious

I love you dearly. But one question remands on everyones mind. Why the fuck are you here? I am guessing for moral support of some kind. If thats the case I couldn't have picked better.

Alpha

You know what is right. You know why you are doing it. You must protect yours. If that is the case, I will protect mine. You always told me to forget the past and seek the future. How can take that advice from you when you don't do the same? A bit hypocritical don't you think?

L is for Love

Love is that feeling that doesn't go away no matter how hard you try. Love makes you want to cry, waiting up until four in the morning eating ice cream watching Titanic. Love is when you eat the best fried chicken in the world made while you were dancing in the kitchen. Love makes you laugh hysterically because someone tripped over their own shoelace. Love is watching the rainbow after the storm as the birds come out from hiding. Love is the last piece of chocolate cake, moist and delicious, chocolate sauce dripping and the light steam rising as you cut it with your fork. Love is when you are woken up in the morning with a kiss on your forehead or a hug when you are tucked in at night. Love is when you would do anything and everything for someone just to see them smile a big toothy grin. Love is wishing someone a safe trip before they leave you, knowing that you will never see them again in your entire life. Love is that single tear that is shed over a dog who was a part of your family for as long as they were alive. Love is arguing over the remote with your siblings when you don't want to watch Sponge Bob. Love is yelling at someone because of a wrong, then making up as you both say how it was my fault and not yours. Love is painting a picture with watercolors and giving it to a teacher who just lost a friend. Love is giving your last dollar to a boy who wanted to buy a candy bar. Love is when you are held down to when you slit your wrist because you were meant to live. Love is when you a given a birthday card that made your year and still hangs on the fridge. Love is when you walk after someone so the bridge wont be burnt. Love is when someone cares enough about you to see you go. Love makes you warm on the coldest winter day, as snow stings your face and the wind rips through your hair as you make a snowman. That is what love is to me.

Speed writting...

I never knew that you would lie to me. Did you really think that I was that fucking stupid? I might shed a few tears, but I don't really care. I wanted you to take me away, like in my dreams, but you left and now I am just living a nightmare. Frozen in  time, walking, talking, falling. The world is my own prison. You looked into my eyes and lied to my face. How would that make you feel? I thought that you could see through me. I was right. Still wondering how you do that shit. You let me win, ride, rock and slide. You know when I am lying, see when I am crying; but still do nothing. I start screaming. You get the reaction that you wanted. But now that you have, I must confess. I was fronting. You hate me and love me for the same reason. You need something to believe in. You need to feel something that you aren't getting for your own pathetic existence. Are you looking for a hero? Someone to come save the day? Someone to tell you that everything is right? I am not the one boo. I wish I could rip out a page of the book that makes up my memories. I can't wait to get through this. Its like a phase. My patience is running out. Don't want to be enemies. Life is a mystery. Its hard to believe I am lonely with people all around. But I can believe it. I pushed them out, yes I did. And no no one is getting in. They can throw rocks at the castle all fucking day long, and I am not coming down. Not like that would prove anything though, besides the stubbornness of this writer. But even that has some credibility in my book. I have always believed one thing true, its that life sucks and then you die. I take that to heart. I am not sure how much longer I can continue with the drugs and the eating disorder without killing myself. That is the whole goal with both of them. Then when I die, everyone can blame my death on that and not me just passively suicidal. I honestly need to grow the balls and backbone and do it myself. Thought about it. Doesn't seem like a viable option at this point.

Bittersweet

I know that you are lying and you are probably going to deny it. You think that you can hide it, guess what? You can't! You think that you are so smooth. I'm not going to act like I can't see. I see everything, more than you think I do. Please don't you play like I don't know you, you are only lying to yourself. I already called your bitch, she's my go-to when I am trying to find out about you. You think you are so slick, but you make me so sick. Lately, you have been in your own world, said you was with your friends. So, I sent them a text, just to be respectful. She replied that she hasn't seen you in awhile. I want you to know that you can cut the bullshit.

Something about something

I don't need rehab, it has too strong a hold.
I need sleep, it keeps me up all night.
I have an obsession.
Can you guess what it is?
I see it in my dreams and when I am awake.
I see it down the ally and in the closet.
I hear it in phone calls and see it online.
It is hard to forget.
I think about it all the time.
It is in my heart and mind.
It takes over my soul.
The grip is deadly.
I am suffocating.
I hate it, but it loves me.
I think it sucks, my friends agree.
I would be happy and glad without it.
But I see it going no where.

Maybe....

Are you going to be there when its over?
Are you going to stay by our sides?
Will you disappear?
Will you still love me?
Have you always loved me?
Did you lie?
I am hurt by you.
You made me feel good.
You ripped it away.
You made me smile.
Now I frown.
You made me laugh.
Now I cry.
You hugged me when I needed it.
You kissed me when I wanted it.
You looked at me like I was the only one in the world.
You took my heart.
You felt my soul.
You walked away.
Now I am standing here.
I look at your picture.
My heart was on my sleeve.
You stomped on it.
You crushed it.
You manged it.
Have you no compassion?
Have you no kind words anymore?
Am I really that insignificant that you would leave me?
It was real for me.
I was there in body and spirit.
I trusted you.
I wanted you.
I needed you.
You lost me.
The love is gone.
Its tragic.
I will be ok.

It comes. It goes.

Darkness is everywhere.
It is always there.
It is in my soul.
It makes me sad at times.
I see little.
Light has come.
Breaking through the dark.
It makes me warm.
My soul is overtaken.
I see everything.

My dealings with ED (PART ONE- SHORT)

I was considering my abnormal eating patterns, and I have come to the conclusion about why they are like they are. First let me start of by saying I have always had issues with the fork and knife. By that I mean, I have always had a problem putting food in my mouth to from the beginning. I can remember at ten years old, that I would limit what I fed myself. I did this because at ten years old, the food that I put in my body was the only thing that I could control. I couldn’t control my living situation. Being in foster care, one may find it quite difficult to control what home you are at for a couple of months. I could however control what I ate. So I did.
Another big reason why I continued to stop eating was the ex. Well you see, he liked "skinny" guys. I, of course, wanted to please him. I wouldn't eat, I would loose weight, just so I wouldn't be called fat. If I was skinny, he wouldn't leave me, or so I thought.
It developed into more of a complex. I listened to everyone around me so much that I looked in the mirror and saw myself as very much overweight. I was and am in fact very much underweight. Now people are telling me how skinny I am. I don't like it. Why can't people leave me alone and I will figure out just how skinny I am all on my own.
Does it really matter if I am 300 pounds or 100 pounds? Both are unhealthy. I know that everyone is saying that I should be at a correct or "normal" weight. But who are they to say what is normal? No one is society is normal. Normalcy is far out of reach for most people, especially me.

Pine Rest 2004-2008

I was placed in Pine Rest in the July of 2004. I was brought to the psychiatric hospital for two reasons: one being that I had attempted suicide, and the other being that my food intake had gone so low, that I was about forty pounds under where I should be. I was placed in the C&A Unit, or the Child and Adolescent Unit.

While I was there, I was checked on every ten minutes while my mattress was in the Seclusion Room. The SR, as I like to call it, is a painted brick-walled room. When I say painted, I mean institution white. The color that the walls are in insane asylums. LOL. But anyhow, I was on suicide watch. Apparently, Pine Rest didn’t find it funny that I slipped by everyone the razor blade in my mouth through the checks by the nurses. I then proceede to harm (superficially cut) myself while I was in the bathroom.

I was also a "Food Monitor” patient. A FM is actually a program that they use for ED (Eating Disorder) patients. The program is designed to make sure the patient doesn’t purge food after “eating” it. So, after sitting in front of a plate of scrumptious, actually quite retched, food for a half hour, only eating a couple of small bites to appease the nurses, I was not allowed to use the bathroom for an hour so I couldn't throw up. I was super pissed because I had to pee!

I stayed in the C&A Unit for about three weeks. During this time, I was introduced to my soon to be favorite therapist ever, Linda Faust. The thing about Linda is the woman doesn’t beat around the bush for anything. Her philosophy was because it’s going to taste bad anyway, why would you sugar-coat it. I have adopted this philosophy. She is the most blunt person on the face of the planet. I love it.

I went through some major treatment while I was a Pine Rest. Some of which included, numerous medication changes and rigorous psychological therapy, that I probably didn't need in the first place. I was met weekly sometimes daily by Linda for ED and to talk about therapist stuff (like my feelings and whether or not I wanted to kill myself or anyone that day). I was met bi-monthly by the psychiatrist Dr. S. to see if my medication needed any adjusting. During the first couple of months, I was adjusted rather regularly. By the end of my four-year stay, they had me on a generous regimen of Depakote and Seroquil. I learned to take my meds, and eventually love them.

There were quite some crazy things that happened during my stay there, and surprisingly they weren't by me. Some of the residents there liked to cause trouble (like "going off" and destroying property). These "going off" sessions would include things like oiling the body is lotion then causing a fight. The lotion would allow them to slip out of restraints attempted by staff to control them.
There were a couple of times when I went rather nuts. It was not the same nuts as every other idiot though. I was evil and cunning when I was going off, and generally didn't go off myself. You see, what I would do was cause fights between kids. Kind of pit them against one another. For example, I would go up to one kid and say that so and so was talking about him. That child would then proceed to confront so and so about it. Confrontation and chaos would soon erupt. It was most comical.
I can't say that I really learned anything at Pine Rest except for always do what the man in power tells you to. If you don't your time will be much harder. If you listen and do what is asked of you, your life in an institution will be much easier.

I remained at Pine Rest for a month over four years. I was released in August of 2008.

ATTN: KATIE, JENNIFER, SUSIE, ROB AND JAMIE...

(CONTAINED HEREIN ARE REDUNDANT QUESTIONS THAT WE SHOULD ASK OURSELVES... THERE REALLY AREN'T ANY ANSWERS, BUT I WOULD HOPE THAT WE WOULD EVALUATE OUR ROLE IN THIS, IN HOPES OF CHANGING...)

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN...

Say hello to goodbye.You are gone forever. I need you not in my life, I need you not in my heart. I am not willing to be your rug anymore. Step elsewhere. I am not willing to take your two cents, you can very well keep the change. I am not interested in your food for thought, I would much rather go hungry.
You have done me more pain, then you have caused me pleasure. I am through with the lies. I am through with the manipulation. You can rain on someone elses parade. I am done with the darkness that you have caused my soul and my heart.
I would never wish bad things upon you, but I certainly don't wish you well. I hope that when you are having fun, you think of all of the things that you have done to me. I hope that makes you feel like shit. I hope that makes your mother roll over in her grave.

Justification of Marijuana lmao

God makes everything on the Earth. All of the grass and trees (pun intended...) God grows weed. Smoking marijuana brings you closer to him because marijuana is his creation. Weed lets you think more abstractly, and I know from personal experience that thinking about an abstract God is so much more enjoyable. God puts everything on the earth for a reason, obviously there for my consumption so smoking it is obviously good.

Heroin

My lips feel like they are on fire. My face is hot. My heart beats fast. My spine tingles. My mind races at the speed of light. Its a rush of euphoria from my toes to my brain. I'm captivated as each push is pushed into my veins. My pupils grow to the whites of my eyes. My vision grows hazy as each minute passes. I then forget. I forget about pain. I forget about hurt. I forget about hate and love and suffering. I am numb. I am numb. I prefer numbness over all feelings, good and bad.

Web of lies

I am writing this particular blog post to set a few things straight. I am not typically this angry, but all the lies: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?
FIRST THINGS FIRST: THE PARTY
Mmmmm. The party.
It has come to my attention that during this party, Jennifer was the one who allowed for me to consume alcohol. This is false.
Jennifer was very adament that I didn't consume alcohol. Of course, I wasn't having any of that, so I made a promise to Susie (Jen still didnt like the idea) that I should be allowed to drink if I could keep myself under control.
At the party, at Susie's house, on St. Patty's Day, I distinctly remember who provided alcohol for everyone at the party. I have four words: Susie's house, Susie's alcohol.
SECOND ORDER OF BUSINESS:
(This is directed at Jamie in particular)
If you read my previous blog post that I used an acronym. Take a hint. Stop talking about massages, you are digging yourself deeper and deeper with the lies. Your feet are already hanging off the edge, do you really want to watch yourself jump. And besides, I dont think they allow Percocet in prison.

My heart ache (3-13-2009)

You have my heart. When I think of you its like a ball of glass in my soul twists and turns in the night. My tongue curls in the thought of you. My heart beats fast. Im puking. It could be anxiety or a disease, why this happens. Or it could be you. Im banking on the second.

"him"

Responding when I dont want to makes it easier to respond when I do.
With that being said, theres a point that I want to make.
Just because I will be there for you, doesn't mean I will let you walk all over me.
My biggest problem isn't a her. Its not a me. My biggest issue at the moment has to be a him.
I cant say how many times I have,beat up myself over him.
Yes I am thinking about him.
Yes I am trying to be forgiven by him.
Yes I am a fool because of him.
Yes I want to make it better because of him.
I am incapable to love again because of him.
I am scarred because of him.
I wont get too close to others,because of him.
I'm only interested in sex because nothing else is comparable to him.
-_-

Not screaming when I want to.

The calm hurts sometimes.
Then you put on noise: music.
TURN THAT OFF!!!
Back to silence.
Vicious cycle.
You live.
You die.
Vicious cycle.

Thoughts April 8th

Jamie is like my crazy mom/aunt.
She makes me smile. I love her with all my heart. I hate that shes so hellbent on seeing Mike as innocent because of something her Mother said years ago. I will pity ignorance for fear of karma for now.
And karma will come around. Will it be soon enough for me? I strongly doubt it.
Nothing I can do now will change anything except of one and only thing. I shall wait to make my decision. Hmmmm.
Im thinking about exercising more. I dislike my skinny. I want to put on muscle.
I need to find a man. Sleeping around is fun for only so long

Poetry.... :)

Maybe I wanted to. Maybe I didnt.
Maybe I like you. Maybe I dont.
Top notch survival.
Or you're gonna get hurt.
I can get mean.
I can get rude.
Im wasting my life.
All I want is happiness.
I try so hard.
But succeed so little.
Im easily discouraged.
Cant you tell?
Music is my savior.
Cant live without it.
Music is an addiction.
Like past heroin.
A replacement?
A little codependent?
I do it well.
I am an evil analyst.
So much done.
All in perfect harmony.
You aint shit.
Payback will be swift.
Nothing as of yet.
No harm will be done.
I wont kill.
You are going to physically be fine.
But mentally,
You'll wish you were dead.
I will be amazing.
All will fall into place.
I possible job?
I think yes!!! :)
I have waited until I'm blue.
Time for me to shine.

Lasagna and Tears

I was put into foster care at the age of 8. It was early summer or late spring. Cant remember which. I was placed in the home of Mark and Karen. They fed me my first home-cooked meal. It was lasagna. Yum.
Mark does tattoos and piercings for a living. He owns his own business.
Karen is a stay at home mom. She disciplained me when neccessary, and it was. I wasnt the most cooperative child at 8 years old. Dealing with sexual abusive from my father; with the added strain of phyical and other abuse from my mother made it very difficult to function that young.
I was at Karen and Mark's for a little under a year. I moved from there to Jean and Neil's house (J&N's) . It was chill. Oldest child, not really any siblings. I was in a house with semi-active, really nice, granparent "parents".
Christmas at J&N's :)
It was around one o'clock after lunch. I was told that there was something there that I might like to see. It was a Christmas present I later found out.
I laced up in my snow gear and made my way almost an acre to the barn in the back corner of the "yard."
I came upon the door and slid the metal slat to unlatch the door. The metal was icy to my hands.
I cracked the door and peered inside. The first thing I saw was a giant red bow tie. It was shiny and poofy and about a foot across. It was wrapped around the handlebars of a brand new bicycle. Fresh from the store!!!
I didn't end up riding it much, until much later when I went into the failed adoption home. Nancy and Larry (N&L's).

Ten Positive Things

And I thought it could only get worse.
Some good things in my life right now:
1) Support of the ones I trust (Jennifer)
2) Got a job interview on Monday
3) I'm gaining weight
4) I am starting to look more healthy
5) Single and loving it
6) More in the mood to laugh
7) A great Mentor/Father Figure is in my life now :)
8) Not sun burnt yet. LOL
9) I'm loved.
10) Get to go to church!

Sea Sick

My phone has been off for about two weeks. I havent done a whole lot with it except YouTube, Facebook, and Grindr...
I was looking through the favorites tab and saw Jamie at the top of the list.
Got teary-eyes. Overwhelmed with emotion.
So far from where we were not even a year ago. Pitty.

Love Like Hate

Love: Dark chocolate (yum). White Roses (my favorite flower). Champagne and orange juice. Moonlit nights. Love songs (I'm sappy like that). Chick flicks (for the ironicness). Music with meaning (it'll relate). Coffee (coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee). Giraffes (long necks :D). Stephen King (epic writer). Weird Jokes (my kinda humor). Money (i <3 green). Knowledge (to learn). Toast and Butter (mmmmmm!)
Driving in the Car (I'm so grown up). Romance. Comedy.
Like: Cigarettes (I cough too much). Monkeys and pandas (awww >.<). Happy Hour. One Night Stands. Television (boring sometimes). Board Games. High Fives (sometimes lame). McDonalds (sinful!). Pillows (fluffy). Technology. Warmth.
Hate: Disrespect from chidren (oh hell naw!). Goody-Two-Shoes/Straight-Edge people (stop faking cuz you aint good at it). Heights (when I can see down) Smelly things (um gross!) Star Wars (dont get me started). Chauvinism (need I explain?). Pineapples (eeewww!). Stupidity (duh!). Ignorance (not that hard to listen). Corruption (straight up fucked up).

From a cats perspective...

I can hear the crackling fire in the hearth. I hear the snap of wood as the fresh tree is burnt to a crisp. Its almost too loud for my ears. I hear the bark of a dog in the background, yelling at a squirell on a pine tree outside. Stupid dogs. I smell the burning timber in the air, and a possible meal later? I can smell the earthy dirt of wilderness all around. I feel the heat of the fire on my face and whiskers. I can see the snowflakes as they fall outside glittering in the moonlight. It reflects on my large eyes. Time for a nap I think.

Jesus and stuff...

I prayed today. It feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. I hear nothing but crickets. Haha! I realize God doesn't answer people, but why must it be so difficult for me to believe He does exist? Can I get a sign. Anything would be nice, but I would much rather see the Hollywood version type signs. Like Morgan Freeman perhaps??
Ok, so I have a couple of different pictures that come to mind when I think of God, and when you hear them, you will realize just how not right in the head I really am! LMFAO!
On one hand I picture God as a biker-type. Big beard, Harley Davidson ride, his biker gang (angels). Now this is the messed up part, I always pictured him that way, but the part that stuck out to me the most was a tattoo on his heart that says "I LOVE MOM." Assuming I am correct, God does not have a mother. Humph!
The second way that I pictured God is more Austin Powers Hollywood style. I could totally see God as someone who sits in a big leather arm chair and strokes a fluffly cat. (Dr. Evil)
Third way: A sportsy athlete who plays tennis with a ball (your life) and occasionally sets you down to go be an ass to somone else for awhile.
The last is a bit pessimistic, but in my reality, all the more real.

On the parking garage

Have you ever tried reaching for something only to find it just out of reach? Has anyone ever felt this way? Has anyone ever hurt the ones they loved and then become indefinately bitter over it?
I stood on the roof of a Battle Creek parking garage this at almost midnight. It was calming. I loved the peace that the cooling wind brought onto my cheeks.
It started sprinkling while I was on that roof. I cried. I cried about everything. I cried about HE-WHO-SHANT-BE-NAMED. I cried about Jen and how I made her feel. I cried about Jamie, and how much she makes me laugh and be angry at tje same time. I cried about the thought of where I could be in 5 years, in 10 years. I cried about love. I cried about my nonexistant family. I cried about my abusive nature. I cried about how I run away from everything. I cried about my semi-habitual drug problem. Crying never felt so good.

A calm that scares me

How do you handle it when you find out that abuse could have happened to someone else, not even by the perp who did it to you!?!?
Do you know the anger that wells up inside of me when I hear something like that. I am beyond pissed. I am beyond enraged. I am past the point of anger. I am past the point of mad. I am so pissed that I am at at an odd calm. It is frightening. I am scared of myself and what I am capable of when I am like this.
If I am scared, I know that he should be too.

FIGHT, FLIGHT, OR FREEZE

As a person who is in the possition that I am in, I can only do one thing when I am faced with this. What "this" is, is irrelavent.
The only thing I can do is coincidentally also what I am the best at.
Fight, flight, or freeze?
Fight: I have never been much for confrontations. I have always backed down and gone in the other direction or frozen and let what was ever going to happen, happen.
Freeze: Not my typical response when faced with a threatening situation. If I freeze and allow it to happen, I am going to have to deal with that memory later on. I dont like dealing with past memories. It hurts me. It makes me feel what I was feeling then: pain, hurt, and anger.
Flight: I like this one. It allows me never to have to leave my comfort zone. By removing myself from a uncomfortable situation, I am obviously going to a place that I feel more comfortable at. By leaving, I wont get hurt in the long run. By leaving; I wont get attached, I wont be let down, I wont get taken advantage of, I wont loose trust (even though I wont gain any either.)
So that all said, I am picking up what little that I own and I am going to hit the road. I dont know where I am going. I guess I will find out when I get where I am going.

I am

I'm insecure.
I'm crazy.
I'm smug.
I'm slightly annoying.
I'm a pain in the ass.
I'm lonely.
I'm untrusting.
I'm my own rock.
I'm my own sword.
I'm my own shield.
I'm a diamond in the rough.
I'm a fool.
I'm a lovesick puppy.
I'm loud.
I'm quiet.
I am caged.
I am free.
Im a bitch.
I'm a sinner.
I'm afraid.
I'm alone.
I'm hurt.
I'm happy. (That's a lie.)

Attitude: short

My pessimistic attitude will make even the most grumpy old man not have two words to say. Meaning, I am one to put things into perspective because I have been there.
Isn't life ironic? It seems that way to me sometimes. I am a pessimist for that very reason.

More questions...

I have some more questions for ya'll. :) By all means, comment with any answer that you feel appropriate. I welcome all comments.
When does it get better?
What makes you certain that it does get better?
What drives you?
How will I survive anymore?
What is going to click and make it seem better?
Is there a God?
Why did he allow this to happen?
Why did God stand around and allow me to get hurt?
Why did God allow me to cry?

*sigh*

I'm cold at heart, I have realized. Scary to think of what I am capable of when I'm angry or scared. If I get hurt I'm going to show ya'll what its like to burn, to be deserted. I can make you wish you were never around.
I'm down and I feel alone. I could cry, but I won't. I refuse to let others feel my pain. I must be strong. If my prayers get answered, so be it. If not, all well.
I am still a child at heart. I need a mother. Someone to be there for me even when I am not there for myself. Someone to give me structure and a hug.
Thats all I want. Is it too much to ask for?

Ink and paper

This pen can write many things. It can write of lies. It can be a poison to all of those who read it. It can write to hurt others. This pen can start a rumor or end one as well. It can make people cry. It can also make you feel bullied. It can mask your inner thoughts or tell it all. It can make you smile with words on a card, or laugh with a joke on a card. This pen can write of the crystal clear autumn waters in the morning, and the crisp air as it caresses your face. It can write of red, orange, and yellow leaves dancing in the breeze.
This pen can write of the truth. It can tell of honesty.
This pen can make you wonder what really goes through the mind of a teenager, of a man.
This pen can write of trials and tribulations. This pen can write of addiction. It can write of foster care and abuse.
This pen can write. This pen will write. All in due time.

Real stuff

I feel like I am a stranger in my own life. I walk around with all the lights on and no one is home. Fly uncomfortably high, then crash oh so well. I am annoyed with the swings of emotions day to day. Cycling through becomes monotonous.
I still have the dreams of my childhood. I guess that you could call them flashbacks. I cry. I wish that I could have had some type of normalcy. I would have liked to have a mom and a dad and sisters and a dog. Ha! Like that would have been at least probable. Lol!

Diary Entry #1: Ahold the master

I am an evil genious! Mwahaha! It makes me feel so amazing when people see how smart that I am. And the chance to prove it anyone who doubts you, even better.
So sad about those kids. I really liked them.
Court tomorrow that should be fun. I hate conflict. Shit! There will be conflict tomorrow.

(not for faint of hearts) (revised)

I just came upfront on everything and what really happened with Michael Terpening. A friend and I talked about what exactly Michael Terpening did when he molested me. Mike molested me. Its true. He made me suck his penis when we were in the car, coming home from the four hour court trip that he and I had to take every three months. I would cum on his stomach while we were at the kennel house.
(*don't drop the soap!*)
I started to cry during this converstion with my friend. I don't cry very often, as you may or may not know. I don't like showing emotions especially weak ones because it makes me feel like I am weak. I like to think of myself as an overall strong person. A person who is emotionally strong, mentally strong, and doesn't take any shit from no one.
I hope that someone else besides my friend will believe that what actually happened happened.

Feelings of alone

When I moved into Earth Services, I was very alone in the world. I was very hurt. I was very afraid for my future. I am not sure what would have happened to me elsewhere.

So I moved into Earth Services. Kristi came to pick me up. She was with a Earth Services worker's husband?? I can't quite recall that fine detail. So anyways, we headed up to Bellevue.

Oohs! The wonderful little quaint town of Bellevue. There is barely anything going on in that town. EVER! Everyone usually goes to Battle Creek for all the fun. A bunch of hicks, no harm intended. Coincidentally, one of those very hicks is where I found the first real love of my life, and it wasn't Michael Terpening! LOL

Earth Services, very rural, very small, growing rapidly, helps animals, helps teenage boys, is a breeding ground for sexually molesting those same teenage boys that you were supposed to help. Not to mention the fact that you were way to emotionally attached to your supervisor, then he turns around and uses that trust that you put in him, to fucking molest you! What the hell is going on here?!

I have come past the point of denial. I am ready to say what happened. Michael Terpening molested me. He made me do some things that I won't forget.

And at the same time, I still care for him, and Jamie, and Amanda.

Jamie is the type of woman you would look at as that crazy aunt that everyone talks about. She is loopy and crazy and funny, and you can always have her make your day better if you are ever having a bad day. I looked at that woman like a family member. I loved her with all of my heart.

I love Amanda with all of my heart. I love her kids and I hardly know them! I would never want to put those kids in a life without a father. I wouldn't want to take their father away from them. I wouldn't want that because I have had no father to speak of. I crave that father figure in my life. I am always looking for that. How can someone expect me to want to have their father taken away from them? Its ludicrousness!

I love Michael. I care about Michael. I want Michael to be happy. I want Michael to be well. I want him to be that red-blooded American dream that everyone so desperately wants when you live in Bellevue. But I can't go on lying and saying that he never hurt me. I can't lie and say that we didn't fuck. (Excuse my French.)

I will not stand around while he goes to trial and tries to get off innocent, just so he can go on doing what he did  to me to other boys. I mean, hell, what if he ended up doing this to his own children! How would that make me feel. Like I would actually want Michael to do to another human being what he did to me. Ludicrousness!

Make me cake

I am happy today. Michael Terpening got arrested. Thank God for that. I finally feel like I am safe now. He can't hurt me or take anything that doesn't belong to him anymore. It makes me feel good that I have someone like Jennifer to look after me. I am so glad that I have a support network person like Dawn to have around. They make me feel good about myself.\

I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be very rough on me. It will be stressful and I probably won't sleep tonight much. I guess thats what happens when you are put through a lot of things there.

Oops! I may start crying again. What a silly thing for me to do.

I am very skeptical of this new lawyer lady. She strikes me as she has a kind heart. She has compassion in her eyes. It is quite moving. Haha! I may have to talk to this one. She also seemed very blunt. I like that about a person. I feel like I could trust a blunt person better.

Drama drama drama. It seems like that is all that my life is 100% of the time! Damn! I need a hobby! Like making cakes. I think I could be good at making cakes!? I want cake! SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE ME A CAKE?!?!?!

I guess what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger right?

?questions?questions?questions?

Have you ever noticed how there is a song that always fits the mood that you are in? I have.

Have you ever noticed how you are more down and depressed in the winter? I have.

Have you ever noticed how the sun is always so warm, even when you are cold? I have.

Have you ever been in love? I have.

Have you ever smelt a freshly bloomed rose? I have.

Have you ever woken up really early just so that you could walk and see the sunrise? I have.

Have you ever been to California for vacation? I have.

Have you ever been with a foster family who were going to adopt you, took you to California, and decided not to adopt you? I have.

Have you ever thought of suicide? I have.

Have you ever made love even when you didn't want to? I have.

Have you ever been raped by your father? I have.

Have you ever been beat by your mother? I have.

Have you ever been dressed up by your mother, at the age of 6 just to fool CPS? I have.

Have you ever made a mistake? I have.

Have you ever done heroin? I have.

Have you ever smoked weed with someone who you wouldn't expect to smoke? I have.

Have you ever had a jello shot? I have.

Have you ever had Tequila? I have.

Have you ever had sex? I have.

Have you ever cried beacause of sex? I have.

Have you ever cut your wrist just to make sure that you are alive? I have.

Have you ever cared about somebody so much that you would give up a residency for them? I have

Have you ever been so close to the edge you could see down 15 stories and notice that there was concrete at the bottom? I have

Have you thought about jumping and ending it all? I have.

Have you had a nose bleed from cocaine? I have.

Have you ever dropped 50 pounds in a summer? I have.

Have you made people believe you? I have.

Have you lied to people? I have.

Have you ever thought about telling the truth to make everything alright again? I have

Have you ever gotten drunk and hit someone? I have.

Have you ever stole from a school? I have.

Have you ever been put in handcuffs? I have.

Have you ever made someone do drugs because of the stress that you have caused them? I have.

Have you ever been too late? I have.

Have you ever had enough to keep you alive? I have.

Have you ever wanted to die? I have.

Have you ever slit your wrist? I have.

Have you ever talked of flying? I have.

Have you ever walked in the rain? I have.

Have you ever made someone a gift? I have.

Have you ever smiled at a stranger just because you were in a good mood? I have.

Have you ever cheered up someone from just a smile? I have.

Have you ever kissed someone? I have.

Again with the drama; STFU

Once again, I am at a loss of what to do about all the fucking drama. I really hate it when my sister pushes all of her shit off on me! I am not one of your little girlfriends. I don't care about your day. I don't give a fuck what your husband calls you behind your back to all of his little "friends."

If people honestly think that I am in this world to be used as a pawn, they are wrong. I am not a person who is just going to sit there and let all of the people in my life dump all of their fucking problems on me. Like I don't have enough of my own to deal with. I can hardly say that I am in a position to deal with everyone else's messes too. So please STFU (SHUT THE FUCK UP) and deal with your own problems by yourself. Maybe get a therapist.

I can see if you have an issue every once in awhile, and if you had that issue, you would come to me and vent, but I am not at your beck and call here. I can't imagine that you think that I have time for all of your trivial problems. I also would like to note, for all of those people who also like to dump everything on Reigh, that I am fed up with all of this too.

I am not trying to personally bash my sister here. That is not what this blog is supposed to be about.

All the little things... (that piss me off)

I woke up this morning from a bad dream. It was around 7 AM! Normally, I do not function before noon as a general rule, so that sort of pissed me off. I attempted to go back to sleep, but it didn't work out very well.

It was an odd dream, not entirely scary or upsetting and not entirely happy either. There were multi-dimension spirits sent to take over your soul and bring you down to something lower than earth, but not quite to a hell-like place. In my dream, those evil spirits never touched me, they never harmed me. They only looked at me. They seemed to want to hurt everyone else but not me. It was very weird. There were lots of bright colors and shapes that transformed before my "eyes."

So when I finally woke up, I remembered my dream a little. It got me a thinking away. What do dreams actually mean for my real life? Are they a symbol of what my subconscious mind is dealing with? Are these dreams a communication between my subconscious and conscious minds to try and figure out what the hell is going on with my life?

I eventually stopped thinking about what my dreams meant for me in my daily life, and I got started on my day. Blah!

I wondered what the day would hold for me, and who I would talk to, and if I could rebuild some of the relationships that I have destroyed by lying to people. I started to feel down. I started to feel lonesome even though there were people all around that would be more than happy to talk to me if I wished them to do so.

At the same time, I was asked several times to play a game with someone. I turned them down. I think that they could sense that I wasn't in a very good mood by that point, so they wanted to cheer me up. I wasn't having any of that though. I am fine with playing board games, but at this point in my life I would much rather be left alone to my thoughts, a good book, a cup of coffee and a cigarette in my hand.

I had to go pick up my things from a previous residency of mine today. Had a great time too! NOT! I had to end up calling a peace officer to help me retrieve my things. There was spray paint on my clothing. That was most of the clothing that I own. Some of those articles had sentimental value for me. Some of them were gifts! When someone goes and writes "BITCH" all over my clothing, that they know very well is just about everything I own, is about the most disrespectful thing that someone can do. All in all, that put the icing on the cake right there.

I am not the biggest fan of police officers. They may seem wonderful to some people, but I honestly believe that there are some dirty cops out there. It makes me sad to see that our police force can be so corrupt.

I was very happy with how my night ended. I ended up going to ABC Warehouse and sitting in one of the massaging black-leathered armchairs. WOOT! THOSE THINGS ARE AMAZING! I feel like a new man, like I was on top of the world. It was good to have a stressful day end so well. :D

All my life...

All my life I wanted to grow up to be something amazing. I guess that really didn't happen considering the spot I am in my life right now. Although, I could hardly call myself grown up. They say that all good things come to those that wait. I am waiting....

Jennifer has been really good to me. She has given me a place to live and food to eat with the expectation that I am going to make something of myself. Like finding a job and getting my drivers licence.

To live up to her expectations, I am going to have to live up to my own. But part of me thinks that her expectations are greater than my own. She expects a lot, as she very well should.

I am going to stay off drugs this time. Finally starting to feel better from the withdraws. Headaches 24/7 and the runs. When I am done, I am done. I dont need to feel like this everytime I want to get high. This is some shit.

Marijuana occasionally, I think, will be a good thing. It makes me happy. It makes me eat (which is a very good thing considering my weight!) LOL!

But they do say that marijuana is a gateway drug. It was for me. It started off with weed. Then I started drinking. When I was drunk I started using cocain. When I was on cocain, it made my nose hurt, so then I tried to smoke heroin. Smoking heroin gave me major headaches. So then I got introduced to shooting up heroin. That was fantastic. I loved the stuff. It made me feel great... until I was coming down.

A little more background information on me..

This post is a little background information on me. :-)

I am 19 years old. I will be 20 in July on the 10th of 2012. Thank God that I have made it this far and I am not dead from something stupid that I have done in my ignorant youth. (And if I heard right, my ignorant youth isn't over yet. Damn!)

I was placed in foster care at the age of eight. It was sometime over the spring or early summer. I remember coming home from school and just walking in the house. Child Protective Services were called because my elder sister Carrie told the school counselor about some things that were going on at the home.

I have two sisters. My older sister, Carrie is 21 and will be 22 very soon. My younger sister, Laura just turned 18! OMG! We are all growing up. From where we began, to where we are now. Its just mind-boggling.

Laura has always been a good girl. She is so sweet. She is becoming a tattoo artist. She is currently apprenticing with my very first foster father, Mark. Carrie, turned out somewhat like me. She is somewhat vindictive and lies quite a bit. I think we both turned out the same because we were older and actually knew and understood everything that happened to us. Laura was young enough at the time of the abuse to not really register what was happening. Laura didn't know any better than that. On the other hand, Carrie and I were able to spend time with friends' families and we could see how a functional family works.

My mother, Kathy, did drugs, like marijuana and cocaine. Mother was very abusive. She abused both of my sisters and myself. Physically, emotionally, and mentally from her. I was abuse sexually from my father at the age of 3 or 4. I cant really remember.

I cant really remember anything from my life up until I was in foster care. Think about it, I really cant remember anything but flashes of my life up until I was eight years old. Its kinda nice if you think about it. All of that bad shit that happened to me in my life, I CANT REMEMBER! I have been told by numerous therapists that I will eventually remember things of importance when I am mentally capable of it. The thing is though, that I am not sure i want to remember anything that happened to me in my past. I am perfectly content on not remembering anything.

Father was sexually abusive to me. I was around the age of three or four. He left shortly after that. I haven't heard a whole lot from him since. I have a phone number for him. I am not sure if it works or not. I can't bring myself to dial the number, because if he picks up, I am not sure what I would say.

I was placed in the very first foster home in 2000. It was a great home. I had my first home-cooked meal at the age of eight. Ain't that some shit? It was lasagna. To this very day, one of my favorite meals is homemade lasagna.

I was bounce around from foster home to foster home until eventually there was a family that wanted to adopt me. I was around 9 years old in the time that I moved into their home. That was interesting. See, I didn't want to be adopted. Not that they weren't a good family. They were are great family. They couldn't have kids of their own, and they thought that I was the perfect candidate for them. I may have been. But I was still dealing with the emotional problems of my childhood. I stayed there for just under a year. I left sometime before my 11th birthday.

Because of the failed adoption, I was thought to have emotional problems that could only be dealt with with the help of a therapist and constant supervision. I was moved to Wedgwood Christian Services in Grand Rapids. I stayed there for about two years until I was thirteen years old.

When I moved out of Wedgwood Christian Services, I was placed in another foster home. This one catering to teens with troubled past with an emphasis on abused children, such as myself. I stayed there for about 3 short months. I was removed and put in a hospital because of a suicide attempt. I had a knife in my bed and was planning on using it that night. It was found about two hours before the act was to be done by one of my fellow foster care "brothers." I was fourteen at the time of this.

After the hospital, I was moved to Pine Rest Mental Health Services, also in Grand Rapids. I was placed in the residential unit. I stayed there for about two years. I had a wonderful therapist. Her name was Linda. She was always there to listen to me. She never judged me. Linda always was blunt and honest. That is what I most appreciated about her.

When I left Pine Rest, I went to Ruth Ellis Center. The Ruth Ellis Center caters to specifically LGBTQ youth, or Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning young people.

After Ruth Ellis Center, I was moved to Earth Services. (I am not going to go into details of my stay there at this time. More to come on that particular subject at a later time.)

I was moved out of Earth Services into Kalamazoo. I stayed in a SIL, or Supervised Independent Living. Basically, you are living by yourself and someone checks in on you every week or so. This worker helps you out with things that you need, like going to the store for groceries or to DHS.

At one point in my two home SIL placements, I was staying at the equivalent to a crack house. I had an air mattress on the floor and my clothing in a box. That summer (2011) is when I started to drop weight. When I stayed at Earth Services, i weighed close to 160 pounds. As you can see by my photo, I am down to about 105 pounds. (I couldn't say for sure because I don't like to look at the number anymore...)

I have lived with several friends in the past couple of months. I was couch-hopping for awhile there. I lived with my ex, Jeff. And I also lived with his sister.

I am current residing in Battle Creek. Looking for a job, and thinking of going back to high school or getting my GED.

DISCLAIMER

Let me first of say that anything that I will be writing and then publishing on this here blog post, is a creation of my own writing skills and has come out of my brain.

If you happen to come across something that you find offensive, by all means, STOP READING IT!

Just as a forewarning, there will be a whole lot of "fucks" and "shits" and "bitches;" so on that note, if you are offended, STOP READING IT!

Also, I am not the least bit politically correct, so if you find that upsetting, STOP READING IT!

If there is a chance that you do not care what is said, whether that be offensive, vulgar, or politically incorrect, I do hope that you may find some enjoyment out of reading this blog. There will be personal pain, humor, and things that a person might find enjoyable to read.

Happy reading...