Speed writting...

I never knew that you would lie to me. Did you really think that I was that fucking stupid? I might shed a few tears, but I don't really care. I wanted you to take me away, like in my dreams, but you left and now I am just living a nightmare. Frozen in  time, walking, talking, falling. The world is my own prison. You looked into my eyes and lied to my face. How would that make you feel? I thought that you could see through me. I was right. Still wondering how you do that shit. You let me win, ride, rock and slide. You know when I am lying, see when I am crying; but still do nothing. I start screaming. You get the reaction that you wanted. But now that you have, I must confess. I was fronting. You hate me and love me for the same reason. You need something to believe in. You need to feel something that you aren't getting for your own pathetic existence. Are you looking for a hero? Someone to come save the day? Someone to tell you that everything is right? I am not the one boo. I wish I could rip out a page of the book that makes up my memories. I can't wait to get through this. Its like a phase. My patience is running out. Don't want to be enemies. Life is a mystery. Its hard to believe I am lonely with people all around. But I can believe it. I pushed them out, yes I did. And no no one is getting in. They can throw rocks at the castle all fucking day long, and I am not coming down. Not like that would prove anything though, besides the stubbornness of this writer. But even that has some credibility in my book. I have always believed one thing true, its that life sucks and then you die. I take that to heart. I am not sure how much longer I can continue with the drugs and the eating disorder without killing myself. That is the whole goal with both of them. Then when I die, everyone can blame my death on that and not me just passively suicidal. I honestly need to grow the balls and backbone and do it myself. Thought about it. Doesn't seem like a viable option at this point.

Bittersweet

I know that you are lying and you are probably going to deny it. You think that you can hide it, guess what? You can't! You think that you are so smooth. I'm not going to act like I can't see. I see everything, more than you think I do. Please don't you play like I don't know you, you are only lying to yourself. I already called your bitch, she's my go-to when I am trying to find out about you. You think you are so slick, but you make me so sick. Lately, you have been in your own world, said you was with your friends. So, I sent them a text, just to be respectful. She replied that she hasn't seen you in awhile. I want you to know that you can cut the bullshit.

Something about something

I don't need rehab, it has too strong a hold.
I need sleep, it keeps me up all night.
I have an obsession.
Can you guess what it is?
I see it in my dreams and when I am awake.
I see it down the ally and in the closet.
I hear it in phone calls and see it online.
It is hard to forget.
I think about it all the time.
It is in my heart and mind.
It takes over my soul.
The grip is deadly.
I am suffocating.
I hate it, but it loves me.
I think it sucks, my friends agree.
I would be happy and glad without it.
But I see it going no where.

Maybe....

Are you going to be there when its over?
Are you going to stay by our sides?
Will you disappear?
Will you still love me?
Have you always loved me?
Did you lie?
I am hurt by you.
You made me feel good.
You ripped it away.
You made me smile.
Now I frown.
You made me laugh.
Now I cry.
You hugged me when I needed it.
You kissed me when I wanted it.
You looked at me like I was the only one in the world.
You took my heart.
You felt my soul.
You walked away.
Now I am standing here.
I look at your picture.
My heart was on my sleeve.
You stomped on it.
You crushed it.
You manged it.
Have you no compassion?
Have you no kind words anymore?
Am I really that insignificant that you would leave me?
It was real for me.
I was there in body and spirit.
I trusted you.
I wanted you.
I needed you.
You lost me.
The love is gone.
Its tragic.
I will be ok.

It comes. It goes.

Darkness is everywhere.
It is always there.
It is in my soul.
It makes me sad at times.
I see little.
Light has come.
Breaking through the dark.
It makes me warm.
My soul is overtaken.
I see everything.

My dealings with ED (PART ONE- SHORT)

I was considering my abnormal eating patterns, and I have come to the conclusion about why they are like they are. First let me start of by saying I have always had issues with the fork and knife. By that I mean, I have always had a problem putting food in my mouth to from the beginning. I can remember at ten years old, that I would limit what I fed myself. I did this because at ten years old, the food that I put in my body was the only thing that I could control. I couldn’t control my living situation. Being in foster care, one may find it quite difficult to control what home you are at for a couple of months. I could however control what I ate. So I did.
Another big reason why I continued to stop eating was the ex. Well you see, he liked "skinny" guys. I, of course, wanted to please him. I wouldn't eat, I would loose weight, just so I wouldn't be called fat. If I was skinny, he wouldn't leave me, or so I thought.
It developed into more of a complex. I listened to everyone around me so much that I looked in the mirror and saw myself as very much overweight. I was and am in fact very much underweight. Now people are telling me how skinny I am. I don't like it. Why can't people leave me alone and I will figure out just how skinny I am all on my own.
Does it really matter if I am 300 pounds or 100 pounds? Both are unhealthy. I know that everyone is saying that I should be at a correct or "normal" weight. But who are they to say what is normal? No one is society is normal. Normalcy is far out of reach for most people, especially me.

Pine Rest 2004-2008

I was placed in Pine Rest in the July of 2004. I was brought to the psychiatric hospital for two reasons: one being that I had attempted suicide, and the other being that my food intake had gone so low, that I was about forty pounds under where I should be. I was placed in the C&A Unit, or the Child and Adolescent Unit.

While I was there, I was checked on every ten minutes while my mattress was in the Seclusion Room. The SR, as I like to call it, is a painted brick-walled room. When I say painted, I mean institution white. The color that the walls are in insane asylums. LOL. But anyhow, I was on suicide watch. Apparently, Pine Rest didn’t find it funny that I slipped by everyone the razor blade in my mouth through the checks by the nurses. I then proceede to harm (superficially cut) myself while I was in the bathroom.

I was also a "Food Monitor” patient. A FM is actually a program that they use for ED (Eating Disorder) patients. The program is designed to make sure the patient doesn’t purge food after “eating” it. So, after sitting in front of a plate of scrumptious, actually quite retched, food for a half hour, only eating a couple of small bites to appease the nurses, I was not allowed to use the bathroom for an hour so I couldn't throw up. I was super pissed because I had to pee!

I stayed in the C&A Unit for about three weeks. During this time, I was introduced to my soon to be favorite therapist ever, Linda Faust. The thing about Linda is the woman doesn’t beat around the bush for anything. Her philosophy was because it’s going to taste bad anyway, why would you sugar-coat it. I have adopted this philosophy. She is the most blunt person on the face of the planet. I love it.

I went through some major treatment while I was a Pine Rest. Some of which included, numerous medication changes and rigorous psychological therapy, that I probably didn't need in the first place. I was met weekly sometimes daily by Linda for ED and to talk about therapist stuff (like my feelings and whether or not I wanted to kill myself or anyone that day). I was met bi-monthly by the psychiatrist Dr. S. to see if my medication needed any adjusting. During the first couple of months, I was adjusted rather regularly. By the end of my four-year stay, they had me on a generous regimen of Depakote and Seroquil. I learned to take my meds, and eventually love them.

There were quite some crazy things that happened during my stay there, and surprisingly they weren't by me. Some of the residents there liked to cause trouble (like "going off" and destroying property). These "going off" sessions would include things like oiling the body is lotion then causing a fight. The lotion would allow them to slip out of restraints attempted by staff to control them.
There were a couple of times when I went rather nuts. It was not the same nuts as every other idiot though. I was evil and cunning when I was going off, and generally didn't go off myself. You see, what I would do was cause fights between kids. Kind of pit them against one another. For example, I would go up to one kid and say that so and so was talking about him. That child would then proceed to confront so and so about it. Confrontation and chaos would soon erupt. It was most comical.
I can't say that I really learned anything at Pine Rest except for always do what the man in power tells you to. If you don't your time will be much harder. If you listen and do what is asked of you, your life in an institution will be much easier.

I remained at Pine Rest for a month over four years. I was released in August of 2008.