Interesting things in store for the near future. I am ill at heart for all of those affected, realizing how much of it is my fault despite the honest reality of the situation. I thought about trying to make it all go away. No choice but to let the judicial system take its course. I can only do one thing, tell the truth. Any person who wishes or may have wished me to say anything but the truth does not have me in mind, only their own selfish interests at heart.
I would very much like to escape from reality for a little bit. You know, go away and never come back. I have fantasized about growing wings or acquiring some sort of super power that allows me to get out of this. Once again, reality sets in. I realize that I cannot grow wings and fly away. I realize that I cannot disappear off the face of the earth by becoming invisible to the worlds eye. Such things are simply out of the realm of possibility.
Telling the truth is a lot harder than anyone could have imagined. To incriminate another because of wrongs not only removes him, but also removes all of those in support of him. It removes all of the people who said that they care about me. It removes all of the people who said that they love me. It removes all of the people who said that they have had my best interests at heart since the beginning. If that would be the case, they would be behind me right now, only wanting me to say the truth. This is not the case. People deviate from "love" for their own blood or creed.
For I was nothing but another child in the foster care system. I can't blame people for sticking with what they have always known. I am a fool to think that I could change a person. I am a fool to think that my heart would be protected.
Throughout all of this, I have learned many lessons. The most important, I think, that the only person that I can count on now is me. I am the only one that is always going to say I love you when I look in the mirror. I am the only person that is going to have my back when the world turns away from me. I can never count on someone else to support me in times of trouble.
I was deeply saddened when I came to that conclusion. I would have thought that there would be more heart and compassion from others. Granted, I have seen quite a bit of that in this past year in the unlikeliest of places. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.
Who am I to blame but myself? I have hurt others. I have lied. I have stolen. I have cheated. I have failed. I have regreted. I have apologized. I have been removed from lives, like a piece of cancer being removed from a patient. I have been the one who I despise the most. Despite all of that, I still love me.
