*sigh*

I'm cold at heart, I have realized. Scary to think of what I am capable of when I'm angry or scared. If I get hurt I'm going to show ya'll what its like to burn, to be deserted. I can make you wish you were never around.
I'm down and I feel alone. I could cry, but I won't. I refuse to let others feel my pain. I must be strong. If my prayers get answered, so be it. If not, all well.
I am still a child at heart. I need a mother. Someone to be there for me even when I am not there for myself. Someone to give me structure and a hug.
Thats all I want. Is it too much to ask for?

Ink and paper

This pen can write many things. It can write of lies. It can be a poison to all of those who read it. It can write to hurt others. This pen can start a rumor or end one as well. It can make people cry. It can also make you feel bullied. It can mask your inner thoughts or tell it all. It can make you smile with words on a card, or laugh with a joke on a card. This pen can write of the crystal clear autumn waters in the morning, and the crisp air as it caresses your face. It can write of red, orange, and yellow leaves dancing in the breeze.
This pen can write of the truth. It can tell of honesty.
This pen can make you wonder what really goes through the mind of a teenager, of a man.
This pen can write of trials and tribulations. This pen can write of addiction. It can write of foster care and abuse.
This pen can write. This pen will write. All in due time.

Real stuff

I feel like I am a stranger in my own life. I walk around with all the lights on and no one is home. Fly uncomfortably high, then crash oh so well. I am annoyed with the swings of emotions day to day. Cycling through becomes monotonous.
I still have the dreams of my childhood. I guess that you could call them flashbacks. I cry. I wish that I could have had some type of normalcy. I would have liked to have a mom and a dad and sisters and a dog. Ha! Like that would have been at least probable. Lol!

Diary Entry #1: Ahold the master

I am an evil genious! Mwahaha! It makes me feel so amazing when people see how smart that I am. And the chance to prove it anyone who doubts you, even better.
So sad about those kids. I really liked them.
Court tomorrow that should be fun. I hate conflict. Shit! There will be conflict tomorrow.

(not for faint of hearts) (revised)

I just came upfront on everything and what really happened with Michael Terpening. A friend and I talked about what exactly Michael Terpening did when he molested me. Mike molested me. Its true. He made me suck his penis when we were in the car, coming home from the four hour court trip that he and I had to take every three months. I would cum on his stomach while we were at the kennel house.
(*don't drop the soap!*)
I started to cry during this converstion with my friend. I don't cry very often, as you may or may not know. I don't like showing emotions especially weak ones because it makes me feel like I am weak. I like to think of myself as an overall strong person. A person who is emotionally strong, mentally strong, and doesn't take any shit from no one.
I hope that someone else besides my friend will believe that what actually happened happened.

Feelings of alone

When I moved into Earth Services, I was very alone in the world. I was very hurt. I was very afraid for my future. I am not sure what would have happened to me elsewhere.

So I moved into Earth Services. Kristi came to pick me up. She was with a Earth Services worker's husband?? I can't quite recall that fine detail. So anyways, we headed up to Bellevue.

Oohs! The wonderful little quaint town of Bellevue. There is barely anything going on in that town. EVER! Everyone usually goes to Battle Creek for all the fun. A bunch of hicks, no harm intended. Coincidentally, one of those very hicks is where I found the first real love of my life, and it wasn't Michael Terpening! LOL

Earth Services, very rural, very small, growing rapidly, helps animals, helps teenage boys, is a breeding ground for sexually molesting those same teenage boys that you were supposed to help. Not to mention the fact that you were way to emotionally attached to your supervisor, then he turns around and uses that trust that you put in him, to fucking molest you! What the hell is going on here?!

I have come past the point of denial. I am ready to say what happened. Michael Terpening molested me. He made me do some things that I won't forget.

And at the same time, I still care for him, and Jamie, and Amanda.

Jamie is the type of woman you would look at as that crazy aunt that everyone talks about. She is loopy and crazy and funny, and you can always have her make your day better if you are ever having a bad day. I looked at that woman like a family member. I loved her with all of my heart.

I love Amanda with all of my heart. I love her kids and I hardly know them! I would never want to put those kids in a life without a father. I wouldn't want to take their father away from them. I wouldn't want that because I have had no father to speak of. I crave that father figure in my life. I am always looking for that. How can someone expect me to want to have their father taken away from them? Its ludicrousness!

I love Michael. I care about Michael. I want Michael to be happy. I want Michael to be well. I want him to be that red-blooded American dream that everyone so desperately wants when you live in Bellevue. But I can't go on lying and saying that he never hurt me. I can't lie and say that we didn't fuck. (Excuse my French.)

I will not stand around while he goes to trial and tries to get off innocent, just so he can go on doing what he did  to me to other boys. I mean, hell, what if he ended up doing this to his own children! How would that make me feel. Like I would actually want Michael to do to another human being what he did to me. Ludicrousness!

Make me cake

I am happy today. Michael Terpening got arrested. Thank God for that. I finally feel like I am safe now. He can't hurt me or take anything that doesn't belong to him anymore. It makes me feel good that I have someone like Jennifer to look after me. I am so glad that I have a support network person like Dawn to have around. They make me feel good about myself.\

I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be very rough on me. It will be stressful and I probably won't sleep tonight much. I guess thats what happens when you are put through a lot of things there.

Oops! I may start crying again. What a silly thing for me to do.

I am very skeptical of this new lawyer lady. She strikes me as she has a kind heart. She has compassion in her eyes. It is quite moving. Haha! I may have to talk to this one. She also seemed very blunt. I like that about a person. I feel like I could trust a blunt person better.

Drama drama drama. It seems like that is all that my life is 100% of the time! Damn! I need a hobby! Like making cakes. I think I could be good at making cakes!? I want cake! SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE ME A CAKE?!?!?!

I guess what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger right?

?questions?questions?questions?

Have you ever noticed how there is a song that always fits the mood that you are in? I have.

Have you ever noticed how you are more down and depressed in the winter? I have.

Have you ever noticed how the sun is always so warm, even when you are cold? I have.

Have you ever been in love? I have.

Have you ever smelt a freshly bloomed rose? I have.

Have you ever woken up really early just so that you could walk and see the sunrise? I have.

Have you ever been to California for vacation? I have.

Have you ever been with a foster family who were going to adopt you, took you to California, and decided not to adopt you? I have.

Have you ever thought of suicide? I have.

Have you ever made love even when you didn't want to? I have.

Have you ever been raped by your father? I have.

Have you ever been beat by your mother? I have.

Have you ever been dressed up by your mother, at the age of 6 just to fool CPS? I have.

Have you ever made a mistake? I have.

Have you ever done heroin? I have.

Have you ever smoked weed with someone who you wouldn't expect to smoke? I have.

Have you ever had a jello shot? I have.

Have you ever had Tequila? I have.

Have you ever had sex? I have.

Have you ever cried beacause of sex? I have.

Have you ever cut your wrist just to make sure that you are alive? I have.

Have you ever cared about somebody so much that you would give up a residency for them? I have

Have you ever been so close to the edge you could see down 15 stories and notice that there was concrete at the bottom? I have

Have you thought about jumping and ending it all? I have.

Have you had a nose bleed from cocaine? I have.

Have you ever dropped 50 pounds in a summer? I have.

Have you made people believe you? I have.

Have you lied to people? I have.

Have you ever thought about telling the truth to make everything alright again? I have

Have you ever gotten drunk and hit someone? I have.

Have you ever stole from a school? I have.

Have you ever been put in handcuffs? I have.

Have you ever made someone do drugs because of the stress that you have caused them? I have.

Have you ever been too late? I have.

Have you ever had enough to keep you alive? I have.

Have you ever wanted to die? I have.

Have you ever slit your wrist? I have.

Have you ever talked of flying? I have.

Have you ever walked in the rain? I have.

Have you ever made someone a gift? I have.

Have you ever smiled at a stranger just because you were in a good mood? I have.

Have you ever cheered up someone from just a smile? I have.

Have you ever kissed someone? I have.

Again with the drama; STFU

Once again, I am at a loss of what to do about all the fucking drama. I really hate it when my sister pushes all of her shit off on me! I am not one of your little girlfriends. I don't care about your day. I don't give a fuck what your husband calls you behind your back to all of his little "friends."

If people honestly think that I am in this world to be used as a pawn, they are wrong. I am not a person who is just going to sit there and let all of the people in my life dump all of their fucking problems on me. Like I don't have enough of my own to deal with. I can hardly say that I am in a position to deal with everyone else's messes too. So please STFU (SHUT THE FUCK UP) and deal with your own problems by yourself. Maybe get a therapist.

I can see if you have an issue every once in awhile, and if you had that issue, you would come to me and vent, but I am not at your beck and call here. I can't imagine that you think that I have time for all of your trivial problems. I also would like to note, for all of those people who also like to dump everything on Reigh, that I am fed up with all of this too.

I am not trying to personally bash my sister here. That is not what this blog is supposed to be about.

All the little things... (that piss me off)

I woke up this morning from a bad dream. It was around 7 AM! Normally, I do not function before noon as a general rule, so that sort of pissed me off. I attempted to go back to sleep, but it didn't work out very well.

It was an odd dream, not entirely scary or upsetting and not entirely happy either. There were multi-dimension spirits sent to take over your soul and bring you down to something lower than earth, but not quite to a hell-like place. In my dream, those evil spirits never touched me, they never harmed me. They only looked at me. They seemed to want to hurt everyone else but not me. It was very weird. There were lots of bright colors and shapes that transformed before my "eyes."

So when I finally woke up, I remembered my dream a little. It got me a thinking away. What do dreams actually mean for my real life? Are they a symbol of what my subconscious mind is dealing with? Are these dreams a communication between my subconscious and conscious minds to try and figure out what the hell is going on with my life?

I eventually stopped thinking about what my dreams meant for me in my daily life, and I got started on my day. Blah!

I wondered what the day would hold for me, and who I would talk to, and if I could rebuild some of the relationships that I have destroyed by lying to people. I started to feel down. I started to feel lonesome even though there were people all around that would be more than happy to talk to me if I wished them to do so.

At the same time, I was asked several times to play a game with someone. I turned them down. I think that they could sense that I wasn't in a very good mood by that point, so they wanted to cheer me up. I wasn't having any of that though. I am fine with playing board games, but at this point in my life I would much rather be left alone to my thoughts, a good book, a cup of coffee and a cigarette in my hand.

I had to go pick up my things from a previous residency of mine today. Had a great time too! NOT! I had to end up calling a peace officer to help me retrieve my things. There was spray paint on my clothing. That was most of the clothing that I own. Some of those articles had sentimental value for me. Some of them were gifts! When someone goes and writes "BITCH" all over my clothing, that they know very well is just about everything I own, is about the most disrespectful thing that someone can do. All in all, that put the icing on the cake right there.

I am not the biggest fan of police officers. They may seem wonderful to some people, but I honestly believe that there are some dirty cops out there. It makes me sad to see that our police force can be so corrupt.

I was very happy with how my night ended. I ended up going to ABC Warehouse and sitting in one of the massaging black-leathered armchairs. WOOT! THOSE THINGS ARE AMAZING! I feel like a new man, like I was on top of the world. It was good to have a stressful day end so well. :D

All my life...

All my life I wanted to grow up to be something amazing. I guess that really didn't happen considering the spot I am in my life right now. Although, I could hardly call myself grown up. They say that all good things come to those that wait. I am waiting....

Jennifer has been really good to me. She has given me a place to live and food to eat with the expectation that I am going to make something of myself. Like finding a job and getting my drivers licence.

To live up to her expectations, I am going to have to live up to my own. But part of me thinks that her expectations are greater than my own. She expects a lot, as she very well should.

I am going to stay off drugs this time. Finally starting to feel better from the withdraws. Headaches 24/7 and the runs. When I am done, I am done. I dont need to feel like this everytime I want to get high. This is some shit.

Marijuana occasionally, I think, will be a good thing. It makes me happy. It makes me eat (which is a very good thing considering my weight!) LOL!

But they do say that marijuana is a gateway drug. It was for me. It started off with weed. Then I started drinking. When I was drunk I started using cocain. When I was on cocain, it made my nose hurt, so then I tried to smoke heroin. Smoking heroin gave me major headaches. So then I got introduced to shooting up heroin. That was fantastic. I loved the stuff. It made me feel great... until I was coming down.

A little more background information on me..

This post is a little background information on me. :-)

I am 19 years old. I will be 20 in July on the 10th of 2012. Thank God that I have made it this far and I am not dead from something stupid that I have done in my ignorant youth. (And if I heard right, my ignorant youth isn't over yet. Damn!)

I was placed in foster care at the age of eight. It was sometime over the spring or early summer. I remember coming home from school and just walking in the house. Child Protective Services were called because my elder sister Carrie told the school counselor about some things that were going on at the home.

I have two sisters. My older sister, Carrie is 21 and will be 22 very soon. My younger sister, Laura just turned 18! OMG! We are all growing up. From where we began, to where we are now. Its just mind-boggling.

Laura has always been a good girl. She is so sweet. She is becoming a tattoo artist. She is currently apprenticing with my very first foster father, Mark. Carrie, turned out somewhat like me. She is somewhat vindictive and lies quite a bit. I think we both turned out the same because we were older and actually knew and understood everything that happened to us. Laura was young enough at the time of the abuse to not really register what was happening. Laura didn't know any better than that. On the other hand, Carrie and I were able to spend time with friends' families and we could see how a functional family works.

My mother, Kathy, did drugs, like marijuana and cocaine. Mother was very abusive. She abused both of my sisters and myself. Physically, emotionally, and mentally from her. I was abuse sexually from my father at the age of 3 or 4. I cant really remember.

I cant really remember anything from my life up until I was in foster care. Think about it, I really cant remember anything but flashes of my life up until I was eight years old. Its kinda nice if you think about it. All of that bad shit that happened to me in my life, I CANT REMEMBER! I have been told by numerous therapists that I will eventually remember things of importance when I am mentally capable of it. The thing is though, that I am not sure i want to remember anything that happened to me in my past. I am perfectly content on not remembering anything.

Father was sexually abusive to me. I was around the age of three or four. He left shortly after that. I haven't heard a whole lot from him since. I have a phone number for him. I am not sure if it works or not. I can't bring myself to dial the number, because if he picks up, I am not sure what I would say.

I was placed in the very first foster home in 2000. It was a great home. I had my first home-cooked meal at the age of eight. Ain't that some shit? It was lasagna. To this very day, one of my favorite meals is homemade lasagna.

I was bounce around from foster home to foster home until eventually there was a family that wanted to adopt me. I was around 9 years old in the time that I moved into their home. That was interesting. See, I didn't want to be adopted. Not that they weren't a good family. They were are great family. They couldn't have kids of their own, and they thought that I was the perfect candidate for them. I may have been. But I was still dealing with the emotional problems of my childhood. I stayed there for just under a year. I left sometime before my 11th birthday.

Because of the failed adoption, I was thought to have emotional problems that could only be dealt with with the help of a therapist and constant supervision. I was moved to Wedgwood Christian Services in Grand Rapids. I stayed there for about two years until I was thirteen years old.

When I moved out of Wedgwood Christian Services, I was placed in another foster home. This one catering to teens with troubled past with an emphasis on abused children, such as myself. I stayed there for about 3 short months. I was removed and put in a hospital because of a suicide attempt. I had a knife in my bed and was planning on using it that night. It was found about two hours before the act was to be done by one of my fellow foster care "brothers." I was fourteen at the time of this.

After the hospital, I was moved to Pine Rest Mental Health Services, also in Grand Rapids. I was placed in the residential unit. I stayed there for about two years. I had a wonderful therapist. Her name was Linda. She was always there to listen to me. She never judged me. Linda always was blunt and honest. That is what I most appreciated about her.

When I left Pine Rest, I went to Ruth Ellis Center. The Ruth Ellis Center caters to specifically LGBTQ youth, or Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning young people.

After Ruth Ellis Center, I was moved to Earth Services. (I am not going to go into details of my stay there at this time. More to come on that particular subject at a later time.)

I was moved out of Earth Services into Kalamazoo. I stayed in a SIL, or Supervised Independent Living. Basically, you are living by yourself and someone checks in on you every week or so. This worker helps you out with things that you need, like going to the store for groceries or to DHS.

At one point in my two home SIL placements, I was staying at the equivalent to a crack house. I had an air mattress on the floor and my clothing in a box. That summer (2011) is when I started to drop weight. When I stayed at Earth Services, i weighed close to 160 pounds. As you can see by my photo, I am down to about 105 pounds. (I couldn't say for sure because I don't like to look at the number anymore...)

I have lived with several friends in the past couple of months. I was couch-hopping for awhile there. I lived with my ex, Jeff. And I also lived with his sister.

I am current residing in Battle Creek. Looking for a job, and thinking of going back to high school or getting my GED.

DISCLAIMER

Let me first of say that anything that I will be writing and then publishing on this here blog post, is a creation of my own writing skills and has come out of my brain.

If you happen to come across something that you find offensive, by all means, STOP READING IT!

Just as a forewarning, there will be a whole lot of "fucks" and "shits" and "bitches;" so on that note, if you are offended, STOP READING IT!

Also, I am not the least bit politically correct, so if you find that upsetting, STOP READING IT!

If there is a chance that you do not care what is said, whether that be offensive, vulgar, or politically incorrect, I do hope that you may find some enjoyment out of reading this blog. There will be personal pain, humor, and things that a person might find enjoyable to read.

Happy reading...