Feelings of alone

When I moved into Earth Services, I was very alone in the world. I was very hurt. I was very afraid for my future. I am not sure what would have happened to me elsewhere.

So I moved into Earth Services. Kristi came to pick me up. She was with a Earth Services worker's husband?? I can't quite recall that fine detail. So anyways, we headed up to Bellevue.

Oohs! The wonderful little quaint town of Bellevue. There is barely anything going on in that town. EVER! Everyone usually goes to Battle Creek for all the fun. A bunch of hicks, no harm intended. Coincidentally, one of those very hicks is where I found the first real love of my life, and it wasn't Michael Terpening! LOL

Earth Services, very rural, very small, growing rapidly, helps animals, helps teenage boys, is a breeding ground for sexually molesting those same teenage boys that you were supposed to help. Not to mention the fact that you were way to emotionally attached to your supervisor, then he turns around and uses that trust that you put in him, to fucking molest you! What the hell is going on here?!

I have come past the point of denial. I am ready to say what happened. Michael Terpening molested me. He made me do some things that I won't forget.

And at the same time, I still care for him, and Jamie, and Amanda.

Jamie is the type of woman you would look at as that crazy aunt that everyone talks about. She is loopy and crazy and funny, and you can always have her make your day better if you are ever having a bad day. I looked at that woman like a family member. I loved her with all of my heart.

I love Amanda with all of my heart. I love her kids and I hardly know them! I would never want to put those kids in a life without a father. I wouldn't want to take their father away from them. I wouldn't want that because I have had no father to speak of. I crave that father figure in my life. I am always looking for that. How can someone expect me to want to have their father taken away from them? Its ludicrousness!

I love Michael. I care about Michael. I want Michael to be happy. I want Michael to be well. I want him to be that red-blooded American dream that everyone so desperately wants when you live in Bellevue. But I can't go on lying and saying that he never hurt me. I can't lie and say that we didn't fuck. (Excuse my French.)

I will not stand around while he goes to trial and tries to get off innocent, just so he can go on doing what he did  to me to other boys. I mean, hell, what if he ended up doing this to his own children! How would that make me feel. Like I would actually want Michael to do to another human being what he did to me. Ludicrousness!