Web of lies

I am writing this particular blog post to set a few things straight. I am not typically this angry, but all the lies: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?
FIRST THINGS FIRST: THE PARTY
Mmmmm. The party.
It has come to my attention that during this party, Jennifer was the one who allowed for me to consume alcohol. This is false.
Jennifer was very adament that I didn't consume alcohol. Of course, I wasn't having any of that, so I made a promise to Susie (Jen still didnt like the idea) that I should be allowed to drink if I could keep myself under control.
At the party, at Susie's house, on St. Patty's Day, I distinctly remember who provided alcohol for everyone at the party. I have four words: Susie's house, Susie's alcohol.
SECOND ORDER OF BUSINESS:
(This is directed at Jamie in particular)
If you read my previous blog post that I used an acronym. Take a hint. Stop talking about massages, you are digging yourself deeper and deeper with the lies. Your feet are already hanging off the edge, do you really want to watch yourself jump. And besides, I dont think they allow Percocet in prison.

My heart ache (3-13-2009)

You have my heart. When I think of you its like a ball of glass in my soul twists and turns in the night. My tongue curls in the thought of you. My heart beats fast. Im puking. It could be anxiety or a disease, why this happens. Or it could be you. Im banking on the second.

"him"

Responding when I dont want to makes it easier to respond when I do.
With that being said, theres a point that I want to make.
Just because I will be there for you, doesn't mean I will let you walk all over me.
My biggest problem isn't a her. Its not a me. My biggest issue at the moment has to be a him.
I cant say how many times I have,beat up myself over him.
Yes I am thinking about him.
Yes I am trying to be forgiven by him.
Yes I am a fool because of him.
Yes I want to make it better because of him.
I am incapable to love again because of him.
I am scarred because of him.
I wont get too close to others,because of him.
I'm only interested in sex because nothing else is comparable to him.
-_-

Not screaming when I want to.

The calm hurts sometimes.
Then you put on noise: music.
TURN THAT OFF!!!
Back to silence.
Vicious cycle.
You live.
You die.
Vicious cycle.

Thoughts April 8th

Jamie is like my crazy mom/aunt.
She makes me smile. I love her with all my heart. I hate that shes so hellbent on seeing Mike as innocent because of something her Mother said years ago. I will pity ignorance for fear of karma for now.
And karma will come around. Will it be soon enough for me? I strongly doubt it.
Nothing I can do now will change anything except of one and only thing. I shall wait to make my decision. Hmmmm.
Im thinking about exercising more. I dislike my skinny. I want to put on muscle.
I need to find a man. Sleeping around is fun for only so long

Poetry.... :)

Maybe I wanted to. Maybe I didnt.
Maybe I like you. Maybe I dont.
Top notch survival.
Or you're gonna get hurt.
I can get mean.
I can get rude.
Im wasting my life.
All I want is happiness.
I try so hard.
But succeed so little.
Im easily discouraged.
Cant you tell?
Music is my savior.
Cant live without it.
Music is an addiction.
Like past heroin.
A replacement?
A little codependent?
I do it well.
I am an evil analyst.
So much done.
All in perfect harmony.
You aint shit.
Payback will be swift.
Nothing as of yet.
No harm will be done.
I wont kill.
You are going to physically be fine.
But mentally,
You'll wish you were dead.
I will be amazing.
All will fall into place.
I possible job?
I think yes!!! :)
I have waited until I'm blue.
Time for me to shine.

Lasagna and Tears

I was put into foster care at the age of 8. It was early summer or late spring. Cant remember which. I was placed in the home of Mark and Karen. They fed me my first home-cooked meal. It was lasagna. Yum.
Mark does tattoos and piercings for a living. He owns his own business.
Karen is a stay at home mom. She disciplained me when neccessary, and it was. I wasnt the most cooperative child at 8 years old. Dealing with sexual abusive from my father; with the added strain of phyical and other abuse from my mother made it very difficult to function that young.
I was at Karen and Mark's for a little under a year. I moved from there to Jean and Neil's house (J&N's) . It was chill. Oldest child, not really any siblings. I was in a house with semi-active, really nice, granparent "parents".
Christmas at J&N's :)
It was around one o'clock after lunch. I was told that there was something there that I might like to see. It was a Christmas present I later found out.
I laced up in my snow gear and made my way almost an acre to the barn in the back corner of the "yard."
I came upon the door and slid the metal slat to unlatch the door. The metal was icy to my hands.
I cracked the door and peered inside. The first thing I saw was a giant red bow tie. It was shiny and poofy and about a foot across. It was wrapped around the handlebars of a brand new bicycle. Fresh from the store!!!
I didn't end up riding it much, until much later when I went into the failed adoption home. Nancy and Larry (N&L's).

Ten Positive Things

And I thought it could only get worse.
Some good things in my life right now:
1) Support of the ones I trust (Jennifer)
2) Got a job interview on Monday
3) I'm gaining weight
4) I am starting to look more healthy
5) Single and loving it
6) More in the mood to laugh
7) A great Mentor/Father Figure is in my life now :)
8) Not sun burnt yet. LOL
9) I'm loved.
10) Get to go to church!

Sea Sick

My phone has been off for about two weeks. I havent done a whole lot with it except YouTube, Facebook, and Grindr...
I was looking through the favorites tab and saw Jamie at the top of the list.
Got teary-eyes. Overwhelmed with emotion.
So far from where we were not even a year ago. Pitty.

Love Like Hate

Love: Dark chocolate (yum). White Roses (my favorite flower). Champagne and orange juice. Moonlit nights. Love songs (I'm sappy like that). Chick flicks (for the ironicness). Music with meaning (it'll relate). Coffee (coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee). Giraffes (long necks :D). Stephen King (epic writer). Weird Jokes (my kinda humor). Money (i <3 green). Knowledge (to learn). Toast and Butter (mmmmmm!)
Driving in the Car (I'm so grown up). Romance. Comedy.
Like: Cigarettes (I cough too much). Monkeys and pandas (awww >.<). Happy Hour. One Night Stands. Television (boring sometimes). Board Games. High Fives (sometimes lame). McDonalds (sinful!). Pillows (fluffy). Technology. Warmth.
Hate: Disrespect from chidren (oh hell naw!). Goody-Two-Shoes/Straight-Edge people (stop faking cuz you aint good at it). Heights (when I can see down) Smelly things (um gross!) Star Wars (dont get me started). Chauvinism (need I explain?). Pineapples (eeewww!). Stupidity (duh!). Ignorance (not that hard to listen). Corruption (straight up fucked up).

From a cats perspective...

I can hear the crackling fire in the hearth. I hear the snap of wood as the fresh tree is burnt to a crisp. Its almost too loud for my ears. I hear the bark of a dog in the background, yelling at a squirell on a pine tree outside. Stupid dogs. I smell the burning timber in the air, and a possible meal later? I can smell the earthy dirt of wilderness all around. I feel the heat of the fire on my face and whiskers. I can see the snowflakes as they fall outside glittering in the moonlight. It reflects on my large eyes. Time for a nap I think.

Jesus and stuff...

I prayed today. It feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. I hear nothing but crickets. Haha! I realize God doesn't answer people, but why must it be so difficult for me to believe He does exist? Can I get a sign. Anything would be nice, but I would much rather see the Hollywood version type signs. Like Morgan Freeman perhaps??
Ok, so I have a couple of different pictures that come to mind when I think of God, and when you hear them, you will realize just how not right in the head I really am! LMFAO!
On one hand I picture God as a biker-type. Big beard, Harley Davidson ride, his biker gang (angels). Now this is the messed up part, I always pictured him that way, but the part that stuck out to me the most was a tattoo on his heart that says "I LOVE MOM." Assuming I am correct, God does not have a mother. Humph!
The second way that I pictured God is more Austin Powers Hollywood style. I could totally see God as someone who sits in a big leather arm chair and strokes a fluffly cat. (Dr. Evil)
Third way: A sportsy athlete who plays tennis with a ball (your life) and occasionally sets you down to go be an ass to somone else for awhile.
The last is a bit pessimistic, but in my reality, all the more real.

On the parking garage

Have you ever tried reaching for something only to find it just out of reach? Has anyone ever felt this way? Has anyone ever hurt the ones they loved and then become indefinately bitter over it?
I stood on the roof of a Battle Creek parking garage this at almost midnight. It was calming. I loved the peace that the cooling wind brought onto my cheeks.
It started sprinkling while I was on that roof. I cried. I cried about everything. I cried about HE-WHO-SHANT-BE-NAMED. I cried about Jen and how I made her feel. I cried about Jamie, and how much she makes me laugh and be angry at tje same time. I cried about the thought of where I could be in 5 years, in 10 years. I cried about love. I cried about my nonexistant family. I cried about my abusive nature. I cried about how I run away from everything. I cried about my semi-habitual drug problem. Crying never felt so good.

A calm that scares me

How do you handle it when you find out that abuse could have happened to someone else, not even by the perp who did it to you!?!?
Do you know the anger that wells up inside of me when I hear something like that. I am beyond pissed. I am beyond enraged. I am past the point of anger. I am past the point of mad. I am so pissed that I am at at an odd calm. It is frightening. I am scared of myself and what I am capable of when I am like this.
If I am scared, I know that he should be too.

FIGHT, FLIGHT, OR FREEZE

As a person who is in the possition that I am in, I can only do one thing when I am faced with this. What "this" is, is irrelavent.
The only thing I can do is coincidentally also what I am the best at.
Fight, flight, or freeze?
Fight: I have never been much for confrontations. I have always backed down and gone in the other direction or frozen and let what was ever going to happen, happen.
Freeze: Not my typical response when faced with a threatening situation. If I freeze and allow it to happen, I am going to have to deal with that memory later on. I dont like dealing with past memories. It hurts me. It makes me feel what I was feeling then: pain, hurt, and anger.
Flight: I like this one. It allows me never to have to leave my comfort zone. By removing myself from a uncomfortable situation, I am obviously going to a place that I feel more comfortable at. By leaving, I wont get hurt in the long run. By leaving; I wont get attached, I wont be let down, I wont get taken advantage of, I wont loose trust (even though I wont gain any either.)
So that all said, I am picking up what little that I own and I am going to hit the road. I dont know where I am going. I guess I will find out when I get where I am going.

I am

I'm insecure.
I'm crazy.
I'm smug.
I'm slightly annoying.
I'm a pain in the ass.
I'm lonely.
I'm untrusting.
I'm my own rock.
I'm my own sword.
I'm my own shield.
I'm a diamond in the rough.
I'm a fool.
I'm a lovesick puppy.
I'm loud.
I'm quiet.
I am caged.
I am free.
Im a bitch.
I'm a sinner.
I'm afraid.
I'm alone.
I'm hurt.
I'm happy. (That's a lie.)

Attitude: short

My pessimistic attitude will make even the most grumpy old man not have two words to say. Meaning, I am one to put things into perspective because I have been there.
Isn't life ironic? It seems that way to me sometimes. I am a pessimist for that very reason.

More questions...

I have some more questions for ya'll. :) By all means, comment with any answer that you feel appropriate. I welcome all comments.
When does it get better?
What makes you certain that it does get better?
What drives you?
How will I survive anymore?
What is going to click and make it seem better?
Is there a God?
Why did he allow this to happen?
Why did God stand around and allow me to get hurt?
Why did God allow me to cry?