its like rain....

Interesting things in store for the near future. I am ill at heart for all of those affected, realizing how much of it is my fault despite the honest reality of the situation. I thought about trying to make it all go away. No choice but to let the judicial system take its course. I can only do one thing, tell the truth. Any person who wishes or may have wished me to say anything but the truth does not have me in mind, only their own selfish interests at heart.

I would very much like to escape from reality for a little bit. You know, go away and never come back. I have fantasized about growing wings or acquiring some sort of super power that allows me to get out of this. Once again, reality sets in. I realize that I cannot grow wings and fly away. I realize that I cannot disappear off the face of the earth by becoming invisible to the worlds eye. Such things are simply out of the realm of possibility.

Telling the truth is a lot harder than anyone could have imagined. To incriminate another because of wrongs not only removes him, but also removes all of those in support of him. It removes all of the people who said that they care about me. It removes all of the people who said that they love me. It removes all of the people who said that they have had my best interests at heart since the beginning. If that would be the case, they would be behind me right now, only wanting me to say the truth. This is not the case. People deviate from "love" for their own blood or creed.

For I was nothing but another child in the foster care system. I can't blame people for sticking with what they have always known. I am a fool to think that I could change a person. I am a fool to think that my heart would be protected.

Throughout all of this, I have learned many lessons. The most important, I think, that the only person that I can count on now is me. I am the only one that is always going to say I love you when I look in the mirror. I am the only person that is going to have my back when the world turns away from me. I can never count on someone else to support me in times of trouble.

I was deeply saddened when I came to that conclusion. I would have thought that there would be more heart and compassion from others. Granted, I have seen quite a bit of that in this past year in the unlikeliest of places. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Who am I to blame but myself? I have hurt others. I have lied. I have stolen. I have cheated. I have failed. I have regreted. I have apologized. I have been removed from lives, like a piece of cancer being removed from a patient. I have been the one who I despise the most. Despite all of that, I still love me.

Greetings Earthlings!

What does it matter who I am now? What matters of who I am to become. How to live by destiny, if one makes your own choice? Three fold back onto your evil deeds. Love yourself before you can love others.

Its a small world after all....

Him

I forgive you.

Ears-still-wet

Honestly find something better to do with your time. You are broken as it is, I hate to see you shatter when what you support is a horrible thing. Or may you be to ignorant to realize such things.

Felonious

I love you dearly. But one question remands on everyones mind. Why the fuck are you here? I am guessing for moral support of some kind. If thats the case I couldn't have picked better.

Alpha

You know what is right. You know why you are doing it. You must protect yours. If that is the case, I will protect mine. You always told me to forget the past and seek the future. How can take that advice from you when you don't do the same? A bit hypocritical don't you think?

L is for Love

Love is that feeling that doesn't go away no matter how hard you try. Love makes you want to cry, waiting up until four in the morning eating ice cream watching Titanic. Love is when you eat the best fried chicken in the world made while you were dancing in the kitchen. Love makes you laugh hysterically because someone tripped over their own shoelace. Love is watching the rainbow after the storm as the birds come out from hiding. Love is the last piece of chocolate cake, moist and delicious, chocolate sauce dripping and the light steam rising as you cut it with your fork. Love is when you are woken up in the morning with a kiss on your forehead or a hug when you are tucked in at night. Love is when you would do anything and everything for someone just to see them smile a big toothy grin. Love is wishing someone a safe trip before they leave you, knowing that you will never see them again in your entire life. Love is that single tear that is shed over a dog who was a part of your family for as long as they were alive. Love is arguing over the remote with your siblings when you don't want to watch Sponge Bob. Love is yelling at someone because of a wrong, then making up as you both say how it was my fault and not yours. Love is painting a picture with watercolors and giving it to a teacher who just lost a friend. Love is giving your last dollar to a boy who wanted to buy a candy bar. Love is when you are held down to when you slit your wrist because you were meant to live. Love is when you a given a birthday card that made your year and still hangs on the fridge. Love is when you walk after someone so the bridge wont be burnt. Love is when someone cares enough about you to see you go. Love makes you warm on the coldest winter day, as snow stings your face and the wind rips through your hair as you make a snowman. That is what love is to me.

Speed writting...

I never knew that you would lie to me. Did you really think that I was that fucking stupid? I might shed a few tears, but I don't really care. I wanted you to take me away, like in my dreams, but you left and now I am just living a nightmare. Frozen in  time, walking, talking, falling. The world is my own prison. You looked into my eyes and lied to my face. How would that make you feel? I thought that you could see through me. I was right. Still wondering how you do that shit. You let me win, ride, rock and slide. You know when I am lying, see when I am crying; but still do nothing. I start screaming. You get the reaction that you wanted. But now that you have, I must confess. I was fronting. You hate me and love me for the same reason. You need something to believe in. You need to feel something that you aren't getting for your own pathetic existence. Are you looking for a hero? Someone to come save the day? Someone to tell you that everything is right? I am not the one boo. I wish I could rip out a page of the book that makes up my memories. I can't wait to get through this. Its like a phase. My patience is running out. Don't want to be enemies. Life is a mystery. Its hard to believe I am lonely with people all around. But I can believe it. I pushed them out, yes I did. And no no one is getting in. They can throw rocks at the castle all fucking day long, and I am not coming down. Not like that would prove anything though, besides the stubbornness of this writer. But even that has some credibility in my book. I have always believed one thing true, its that life sucks and then you die. I take that to heart. I am not sure how much longer I can continue with the drugs and the eating disorder without killing myself. That is the whole goal with both of them. Then when I die, everyone can blame my death on that and not me just passively suicidal. I honestly need to grow the balls and backbone and do it myself. Thought about it. Doesn't seem like a viable option at this point.

Bittersweet

I know that you are lying and you are probably going to deny it. You think that you can hide it, guess what? You can't! You think that you are so smooth. I'm not going to act like I can't see. I see everything, more than you think I do. Please don't you play like I don't know you, you are only lying to yourself. I already called your bitch, she's my go-to when I am trying to find out about you. You think you are so slick, but you make me so sick. Lately, you have been in your own world, said you was with your friends. So, I sent them a text, just to be respectful. She replied that she hasn't seen you in awhile. I want you to know that you can cut the bullshit.

Something about something

I don't need rehab, it has too strong a hold.
I need sleep, it keeps me up all night.
I have an obsession.
Can you guess what it is?
I see it in my dreams and when I am awake.
I see it down the ally and in the closet.
I hear it in phone calls and see it online.
It is hard to forget.
I think about it all the time.
It is in my heart and mind.
It takes over my soul.
The grip is deadly.
I am suffocating.
I hate it, but it loves me.
I think it sucks, my friends agree.
I would be happy and glad without it.
But I see it going no where.