ATTN: KATIE, JENNIFER, SUSIE, ROB AND JAMIE...

(CONTAINED HEREIN ARE REDUNDANT QUESTIONS THAT WE SHOULD ASK OURSELVES... THERE REALLY AREN'T ANY ANSWERS, BUT I WOULD HOPE THAT WE WOULD EVALUATE OUR ROLE IN THIS, IN HOPES OF CHANGING...)

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN...

Say hello to goodbye.You are gone forever. I need you not in my life, I need you not in my heart. I am not willing to be your rug anymore. Step elsewhere. I am not willing to take your two cents, you can very well keep the change. I am not interested in your food for thought, I would much rather go hungry.
You have done me more pain, then you have caused me pleasure. I am through with the lies. I am through with the manipulation. You can rain on someone elses parade. I am done with the darkness that you have caused my soul and my heart.
I would never wish bad things upon you, but I certainly don't wish you well. I hope that when you are having fun, you think of all of the things that you have done to me. I hope that makes you feel like shit. I hope that makes your mother roll over in her grave.

Justification of Marijuana lmao

God makes everything on the Earth. All of the grass and trees (pun intended...) God grows weed. Smoking marijuana brings you closer to him because marijuana is his creation. Weed lets you think more abstractly, and I know from personal experience that thinking about an abstract God is so much more enjoyable. God puts everything on the earth for a reason, obviously there for my consumption so smoking it is obviously good.

Heroin

My lips feel like they are on fire. My face is hot. My heart beats fast. My spine tingles. My mind races at the speed of light. Its a rush of euphoria from my toes to my brain. I'm captivated as each push is pushed into my veins. My pupils grow to the whites of my eyes. My vision grows hazy as each minute passes. I then forget. I forget about pain. I forget about hurt. I forget about hate and love and suffering. I am numb. I am numb. I prefer numbness over all feelings, good and bad.

Web of lies

I am writing this particular blog post to set a few things straight. I am not typically this angry, but all the lies: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?
FIRST THINGS FIRST: THE PARTY
Mmmmm. The party.
It has come to my attention that during this party, Jennifer was the one who allowed for me to consume alcohol. This is false.
Jennifer was very adament that I didn't consume alcohol. Of course, I wasn't having any of that, so I made a promise to Susie (Jen still didnt like the idea) that I should be allowed to drink if I could keep myself under control.
At the party, at Susie's house, on St. Patty's Day, I distinctly remember who provided alcohol for everyone at the party. I have four words: Susie's house, Susie's alcohol.
SECOND ORDER OF BUSINESS:
(This is directed at Jamie in particular)
If you read my previous blog post that I used an acronym. Take a hint. Stop talking about massages, you are digging yourself deeper and deeper with the lies. Your feet are already hanging off the edge, do you really want to watch yourself jump. And besides, I dont think they allow Percocet in prison.

My heart ache (3-13-2009)

You have my heart. When I think of you its like a ball of glass in my soul twists and turns in the night. My tongue curls in the thought of you. My heart beats fast. Im puking. It could be anxiety or a disease, why this happens. Or it could be you. Im banking on the second.

"him"

Responding when I dont want to makes it easier to respond when I do.
With that being said, theres a point that I want to make.
Just because I will be there for you, doesn't mean I will let you walk all over me.
My biggest problem isn't a her. Its not a me. My biggest issue at the moment has to be a him.
I cant say how many times I have,beat up myself over him.
Yes I am thinking about him.
Yes I am trying to be forgiven by him.
Yes I am a fool because of him.
Yes I want to make it better because of him.
I am incapable to love again because of him.
I am scarred because of him.
I wont get too close to others,because of him.
I'm only interested in sex because nothing else is comparable to him.
-_-

Not screaming when I want to.

The calm hurts sometimes.
Then you put on noise: music.
TURN THAT OFF!!!
Back to silence.
Vicious cycle.
You live.
You die.
Vicious cycle.

Thoughts April 8th

Jamie is like my crazy mom/aunt.
She makes me smile. I love her with all my heart. I hate that shes so hellbent on seeing Mike as innocent because of something her Mother said years ago. I will pity ignorance for fear of karma for now.
And karma will come around. Will it be soon enough for me? I strongly doubt it.
Nothing I can do now will change anything except of one and only thing. I shall wait to make my decision. Hmmmm.
Im thinking about exercising more. I dislike my skinny. I want to put on muscle.
I need to find a man. Sleeping around is fun for only so long

Poetry.... :)

Maybe I wanted to. Maybe I didnt.
Maybe I like you. Maybe I dont.
Top notch survival.
Or you're gonna get hurt.
I can get mean.
I can get rude.
Im wasting my life.
All I want is happiness.
I try so hard.
But succeed so little.
Im easily discouraged.
Cant you tell?
Music is my savior.
Cant live without it.
Music is an addiction.
Like past heroin.
A replacement?
A little codependent?
I do it well.
I am an evil analyst.
So much done.
All in perfect harmony.
You aint shit.
Payback will be swift.
Nothing as of yet.
No harm will be done.
I wont kill.
You are going to physically be fine.
But mentally,
You'll wish you were dead.
I will be amazing.
All will fall into place.
I possible job?
I think yes!!! :)
I have waited until I'm blue.
Time for me to shine.