Heroin

My lips feel like they are on fire. My face is hot. My heart beats fast. My spine tingles. My mind races at the speed of light. Its a rush of euphoria from my toes to my brain. I'm captivated as each push is pushed into my veins. My pupils grow to the whites of my eyes. My vision grows hazy as each minute passes. I then forget. I forget about pain. I forget about hurt. I forget about hate and love and suffering. I am numb. I am numb. I prefer numbness over all feelings, good and bad.

Web of lies

I am writing this particular blog post to set a few things straight. I am not typically this angry, but all the lies: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?
FIRST THINGS FIRST: THE PARTY
Mmmmm. The party.
It has come to my attention that during this party, Jennifer was the one who allowed for me to consume alcohol. This is false.
Jennifer was very adament that I didn't consume alcohol. Of course, I wasn't having any of that, so I made a promise to Susie (Jen still didnt like the idea) that I should be allowed to drink if I could keep myself under control.
At the party, at Susie's house, on St. Patty's Day, I distinctly remember who provided alcohol for everyone at the party. I have four words: Susie's house, Susie's alcohol.
SECOND ORDER OF BUSINESS:
(This is directed at Jamie in particular)
If you read my previous blog post that I used an acronym. Take a hint. Stop talking about massages, you are digging yourself deeper and deeper with the lies. Your feet are already hanging off the edge, do you really want to watch yourself jump. And besides, I dont think they allow Percocet in prison.

My heart ache (3-13-2009)

You have my heart. When I think of you its like a ball of glass in my soul twists and turns in the night. My tongue curls in the thought of you. My heart beats fast. Im puking. It could be anxiety or a disease, why this happens. Or it could be you. Im banking on the second.

"him"

Responding when I dont want to makes it easier to respond when I do.
With that being said, theres a point that I want to make.
Just because I will be there for you, doesn't mean I will let you walk all over me.
My biggest problem isn't a her. Its not a me. My biggest issue at the moment has to be a him.
I cant say how many times I have,beat up myself over him.
Yes I am thinking about him.
Yes I am trying to be forgiven by him.
Yes I am a fool because of him.
Yes I want to make it better because of him.
I am incapable to love again because of him.
I am scarred because of him.
I wont get too close to others,because of him.
I'm only interested in sex because nothing else is comparable to him.
-_-

Not screaming when I want to.

The calm hurts sometimes.
Then you put on noise: music.
TURN THAT OFF!!!
Back to silence.
Vicious cycle.
You live.
You die.
Vicious cycle.

Thoughts April 8th

Jamie is like my crazy mom/aunt.
She makes me smile. I love her with all my heart. I hate that shes so hellbent on seeing Mike as innocent because of something her Mother said years ago. I will pity ignorance for fear of karma for now.
And karma will come around. Will it be soon enough for me? I strongly doubt it.
Nothing I can do now will change anything except of one and only thing. I shall wait to make my decision. Hmmmm.
Im thinking about exercising more. I dislike my skinny. I want to put on muscle.
I need to find a man. Sleeping around is fun for only so long

Poetry.... :)

Maybe I wanted to. Maybe I didnt.
Maybe I like you. Maybe I dont.
Top notch survival.
Or you're gonna get hurt.
I can get mean.
I can get rude.
Im wasting my life.
All I want is happiness.
I try so hard.
But succeed so little.
Im easily discouraged.
Cant you tell?
Music is my savior.
Cant live without it.
Music is an addiction.
Like past heroin.
A replacement?
A little codependent?
I do it well.
I am an evil analyst.
So much done.
All in perfect harmony.
You aint shit.
Payback will be swift.
Nothing as of yet.
No harm will be done.
I wont kill.
You are going to physically be fine.
But mentally,
You'll wish you were dead.
I will be amazing.
All will fall into place.
I possible job?
I think yes!!! :)
I have waited until I'm blue.
Time for me to shine.

Lasagna and Tears

I was put into foster care at the age of 8. It was early summer or late spring. Cant remember which. I was placed in the home of Mark and Karen. They fed me my first home-cooked meal. It was lasagna. Yum.
Mark does tattoos and piercings for a living. He owns his own business.
Karen is a stay at home mom. She disciplained me when neccessary, and it was. I wasnt the most cooperative child at 8 years old. Dealing with sexual abusive from my father; with the added strain of phyical and other abuse from my mother made it very difficult to function that young.
I was at Karen and Mark's for a little under a year. I moved from there to Jean and Neil's house (J&N's) . It was chill. Oldest child, not really any siblings. I was in a house with semi-active, really nice, granparent "parents".
Christmas at J&N's :)
It was around one o'clock after lunch. I was told that there was something there that I might like to see. It was a Christmas present I later found out.
I laced up in my snow gear and made my way almost an acre to the barn in the back corner of the "yard."
I came upon the door and slid the metal slat to unlatch the door. The metal was icy to my hands.
I cracked the door and peered inside. The first thing I saw was a giant red bow tie. It was shiny and poofy and about a foot across. It was wrapped around the handlebars of a brand new bicycle. Fresh from the store!!!
I didn't end up riding it much, until much later when I went into the failed adoption home. Nancy and Larry (N&L's).

Ten Positive Things

And I thought it could only get worse.
Some good things in my life right now:
1) Support of the ones I trust (Jennifer)
2) Got a job interview on Monday
3) I'm gaining weight
4) I am starting to look more healthy
5) Single and loving it
6) More in the mood to laugh
7) A great Mentor/Father Figure is in my life now :)
8) Not sun burnt yet. LOL
9) I'm loved.
10) Get to go to church!

Sea Sick

My phone has been off for about two weeks. I havent done a whole lot with it except YouTube, Facebook, and Grindr...
I was looking through the favorites tab and saw Jamie at the top of the list.
Got teary-eyes. Overwhelmed with emotion.
So far from where we were not even a year ago. Pitty.