Falling....

I am on the edge of a canyon, looking down hundreds of feet to the tiny winding river below. I feel the wind blowing on my back. The heated air whips across my neck. It burns. I glance behind and see the people behind me, all with looks of horror on their faces. They know. I see the other side of the canyon, red earth getting beat down on by the sun and my neck. My lips are dry and cracked from lack of water. I hear vultures squawking above, circling as they await their next meal. I also hear the people behind me screaming how much they love me. I hear them yelling at me, begging me, pleading with me. I don't listen. I never listen. I jump.

mirror...

There is still feeling of unrest that comes from deep within my chest. Like a rock that sits where my heart is supposed to be. I am emotionally unstable. I went from happy to mad to sad in a matter of minutes.

Why am I still being dealt all the shitty cards of the deck? Shouldn't I feel better now that all of this is "over?" Shouldn't I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders? Shouldn't I feel warm and fuzzy when I look in the mirror? Shouldn't this be the time where I bounce out of bed bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, look at the world and shout "Bring it on!"

This may come as news to many people out there, but I am not happy. I feel as if weight has been added, not removed from my shoulders. I feel cold as ice and black as tar when I look in the mirror. I move sluggishly throughout the day. I wear only dark clothing, I think a reflection of my inner self.

Resent

I guess this is the time when I am supposed to say something absolutely stunning, brilliant, deep, heartfelt, and compassionate. Well, honestly, I don't have a god damned thing to say to any of you. You couldn't get more love or compassion out of a fucking rock than I. Utterly bewildered as to why you go and do all of that shit for a fucking liar. Please. Get a grip on reality as well as find yourself some fucking dignity. Get out from underneath that little rock, get your head out of your ass and open your eyes to see the light.

Wow. That felt good.

I guess I feel sorry for those kids. Not to mention Amanda, but she kinda dug her own grave on that one. Hate to be the one that has to go to sleep with that on their mind.

Well what about Mike? Did you love him? I don't see how that is relevant at court anyhow, other than to make me uncomfortable. That's not plausible. The jurors asked me that, and not that little twit of a lawyer. God, he makes me madder than a midget with a yo-yo.

Jamie, a yellow flower. Means friendship. That's about as far as I am going to go with you. I am not even sure you want that. :Honestly don't really give a flying fuck. Remember karma? The three-fold law? It's going to suck for you, and quite a few others.

And when that day comes, where y'all are going to face your own, I want to be there. I want to watch your crumble to your knees. I am going to laugh.

its like rain....

Interesting things in store for the near future. I am ill at heart for all of those affected, realizing how much of it is my fault despite the honest reality of the situation. I thought about trying to make it all go away. No choice but to let the judicial system take its course. I can only do one thing, tell the truth. Any person who wishes or may have wished me to say anything but the truth does not have me in mind, only their own selfish interests at heart.

I would very much like to escape from reality for a little bit. You know, go away and never come back. I have fantasized about growing wings or acquiring some sort of super power that allows me to get out of this. Once again, reality sets in. I realize that I cannot grow wings and fly away. I realize that I cannot disappear off the face of the earth by becoming invisible to the worlds eye. Such things are simply out of the realm of possibility.

Telling the truth is a lot harder than anyone could have imagined. To incriminate another because of wrongs not only removes him, but also removes all of those in support of him. It removes all of the people who said that they care about me. It removes all of the people who said that they love me. It removes all of the people who said that they have had my best interests at heart since the beginning. If that would be the case, they would be behind me right now, only wanting me to say the truth. This is not the case. People deviate from "love" for their own blood or creed.

For I was nothing but another child in the foster care system. I can't blame people for sticking with what they have always known. I am a fool to think that I could change a person. I am a fool to think that my heart would be protected.

Throughout all of this, I have learned many lessons. The most important, I think, that the only person that I can count on now is me. I am the only one that is always going to say I love you when I look in the mirror. I am the only person that is going to have my back when the world turns away from me. I can never count on someone else to support me in times of trouble.

I was deeply saddened when I came to that conclusion. I would have thought that there would be more heart and compassion from others. Granted, I have seen quite a bit of that in this past year in the unlikeliest of places. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Who am I to blame but myself? I have hurt others. I have lied. I have stolen. I have cheated. I have failed. I have regreted. I have apologized. I have been removed from lives, like a piece of cancer being removed from a patient. I have been the one who I despise the most. Despite all of that, I still love me.

Greetings Earthlings!

What does it matter who I am now? What matters of who I am to become. How to live by destiny, if one makes your own choice? Three fold back onto your evil deeds. Love yourself before you can love others.

Its a small world after all....

Him

I forgive you.

Ears-still-wet

Honestly find something better to do with your time. You are broken as it is, I hate to see you shatter when what you support is a horrible thing. Or may you be to ignorant to realize such things.

Felonious

I love you dearly. But one question remands on everyones mind. Why the fuck are you here? I am guessing for moral support of some kind. If thats the case I couldn't have picked better.

Alpha

You know what is right. You know why you are doing it. You must protect yours. If that is the case, I will protect mine. You always told me to forget the past and seek the future. How can take that advice from you when you don't do the same? A bit hypocritical don't you think?

L is for Love

Love is that feeling that doesn't go away no matter how hard you try. Love makes you want to cry, waiting up until four in the morning eating ice cream watching Titanic. Love is when you eat the best fried chicken in the world made while you were dancing in the kitchen. Love makes you laugh hysterically because someone tripped over their own shoelace. Love is watching the rainbow after the storm as the birds come out from hiding. Love is the last piece of chocolate cake, moist and delicious, chocolate sauce dripping and the light steam rising as you cut it with your fork. Love is when you are woken up in the morning with a kiss on your forehead or a hug when you are tucked in at night. Love is when you would do anything and everything for someone just to see them smile a big toothy grin. Love is wishing someone a safe trip before they leave you, knowing that you will never see them again in your entire life. Love is that single tear that is shed over a dog who was a part of your family for as long as they were alive. Love is arguing over the remote with your siblings when you don't want to watch Sponge Bob. Love is yelling at someone because of a wrong, then making up as you both say how it was my fault and not yours. Love is painting a picture with watercolors and giving it to a teacher who just lost a friend. Love is giving your last dollar to a boy who wanted to buy a candy bar. Love is when you are held down to when you slit your wrist because you were meant to live. Love is when you a given a birthday card that made your year and still hangs on the fridge. Love is when you walk after someone so the bridge wont be burnt. Love is when someone cares enough about you to see you go. Love makes you warm on the coldest winter day, as snow stings your face and the wind rips through your hair as you make a snowman. That is what love is to me.