Sea Sick

My phone has been off for about two weeks. I havent done a whole lot with it except YouTube, Facebook, and Grindr...
I was looking through the favorites tab and saw Jamie at the top of the list.
Got teary-eyes. Overwhelmed with emotion.
So far from where we were not even a year ago. Pitty.

Love Like Hate

Love: Dark chocolate (yum). White Roses (my favorite flower). Champagne and orange juice. Moonlit nights. Love songs (I'm sappy like that). Chick flicks (for the ironicness). Music with meaning (it'll relate). Coffee (coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee). Giraffes (long necks :D). Stephen King (epic writer). Weird Jokes (my kinda humor). Money (i <3 green). Knowledge (to learn). Toast and Butter (mmmmmm!)
Driving in the Car (I'm so grown up). Romance. Comedy.
Like: Cigarettes (I cough too much). Monkeys and pandas (awww >.<). Happy Hour. One Night Stands. Television (boring sometimes). Board Games. High Fives (sometimes lame). McDonalds (sinful!). Pillows (fluffy). Technology. Warmth.
Hate: Disrespect from chidren (oh hell naw!). Goody-Two-Shoes/Straight-Edge people (stop faking cuz you aint good at it). Heights (when I can see down) Smelly things (um gross!) Star Wars (dont get me started). Chauvinism (need I explain?). Pineapples (eeewww!). Stupidity (duh!). Ignorance (not that hard to listen). Corruption (straight up fucked up).

From a cats perspective...

I can hear the crackling fire in the hearth. I hear the snap of wood as the fresh tree is burnt to a crisp. Its almost too loud for my ears. I hear the bark of a dog in the background, yelling at a squirell on a pine tree outside. Stupid dogs. I smell the burning timber in the air, and a possible meal later? I can smell the earthy dirt of wilderness all around. I feel the heat of the fire on my face and whiskers. I can see the snowflakes as they fall outside glittering in the moonlight. It reflects on my large eyes. Time for a nap I think.

Jesus and stuff...

I prayed today. It feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. I hear nothing but crickets. Haha! I realize God doesn't answer people, but why must it be so difficult for me to believe He does exist? Can I get a sign. Anything would be nice, but I would much rather see the Hollywood version type signs. Like Morgan Freeman perhaps??
Ok, so I have a couple of different pictures that come to mind when I think of God, and when you hear them, you will realize just how not right in the head I really am! LMFAO!
On one hand I picture God as a biker-type. Big beard, Harley Davidson ride, his biker gang (angels). Now this is the messed up part, I always pictured him that way, but the part that stuck out to me the most was a tattoo on his heart that says "I LOVE MOM." Assuming I am correct, God does not have a mother. Humph!
The second way that I pictured God is more Austin Powers Hollywood style. I could totally see God as someone who sits in a big leather arm chair and strokes a fluffly cat. (Dr. Evil)
Third way: A sportsy athlete who plays tennis with a ball (your life) and occasionally sets you down to go be an ass to somone else for awhile.
The last is a bit pessimistic, but in my reality, all the more real.

On the parking garage

Have you ever tried reaching for something only to find it just out of reach? Has anyone ever felt this way? Has anyone ever hurt the ones they loved and then become indefinately bitter over it?
I stood on the roof of a Battle Creek parking garage this at almost midnight. It was calming. I loved the peace that the cooling wind brought onto my cheeks.
It started sprinkling while I was on that roof. I cried. I cried about everything. I cried about HE-WHO-SHANT-BE-NAMED. I cried about Jen and how I made her feel. I cried about Jamie, and how much she makes me laugh and be angry at tje same time. I cried about the thought of where I could be in 5 years, in 10 years. I cried about love. I cried about my nonexistant family. I cried about my abusive nature. I cried about how I run away from everything. I cried about my semi-habitual drug problem. Crying never felt so good.

A calm that scares me

How do you handle it when you find out that abuse could have happened to someone else, not even by the perp who did it to you!?!?
Do you know the anger that wells up inside of me when I hear something like that. I am beyond pissed. I am beyond enraged. I am past the point of anger. I am past the point of mad. I am so pissed that I am at at an odd calm. It is frightening. I am scared of myself and what I am capable of when I am like this.
If I am scared, I know that he should be too.

FIGHT, FLIGHT, OR FREEZE

As a person who is in the possition that I am in, I can only do one thing when I am faced with this. What "this" is, is irrelavent.
The only thing I can do is coincidentally also what I am the best at.
Fight, flight, or freeze?
Fight: I have never been much for confrontations. I have always backed down and gone in the other direction or frozen and let what was ever going to happen, happen.
Freeze: Not my typical response when faced with a threatening situation. If I freeze and allow it to happen, I am going to have to deal with that memory later on. I dont like dealing with past memories. It hurts me. It makes me feel what I was feeling then: pain, hurt, and anger.
Flight: I like this one. It allows me never to have to leave my comfort zone. By removing myself from a uncomfortable situation, I am obviously going to a place that I feel more comfortable at. By leaving, I wont get hurt in the long run. By leaving; I wont get attached, I wont be let down, I wont get taken advantage of, I wont loose trust (even though I wont gain any either.)
So that all said, I am picking up what little that I own and I am going to hit the road. I dont know where I am going. I guess I will find out when I get where I am going.

I am

I'm insecure.
I'm crazy.
I'm smug.
I'm slightly annoying.
I'm a pain in the ass.
I'm lonely.
I'm untrusting.
I'm my own rock.
I'm my own sword.
I'm my own shield.
I'm a diamond in the rough.
I'm a fool.
I'm a lovesick puppy.
I'm loud.
I'm quiet.
I am caged.
I am free.
Im a bitch.
I'm a sinner.
I'm afraid.
I'm alone.
I'm hurt.
I'm happy. (That's a lie.)

Attitude: short

My pessimistic attitude will make even the most grumpy old man not have two words to say. Meaning, I am one to put things into perspective because I have been there.
Isn't life ironic? It seems that way to me sometimes. I am a pessimist for that very reason.

More questions...

I have some more questions for ya'll. :) By all means, comment with any answer that you feel appropriate. I welcome all comments.
When does it get better?
What makes you certain that it does get better?
What drives you?
How will I survive anymore?
What is going to click and make it seem better?
Is there a God?
Why did he allow this to happen?
Why did God stand around and allow me to get hurt?
Why did God allow me to cry?