Advice

Don't touch a pan after frying eggs. It's hot!
Don't forget where you hid the Easter eggs.
Make cookies often and with chocolate.
Pray if you remember.
An incorrect amount combination while making macaroni and cheese can be hazardous.
Save your heart for someone that's worth dying for.
Always put the toilet seat down if there is a lady in the house.
Have a plan, going in unprepared leads to disaster 97% of the time.
Going ice skating when there's only been snow a week will make you cold.
Laughter is the best medicine. *thank you reader's digest!*

updates

It has been sometime since I've posted here. I haven't exactly had access to an adequate keyboard. Pish posh.

Christmas is soon and it appears I have a family now. I'm a bit perturbed by this, I expect them to walk out at any moment without notice. I too, fear I may do the same. It would be nice if I went missing for awhile.

I went to Chinese with my family last week. I had a wonderful time. The waitress told me in a thick accent that I'm a good man. I'm not sure what voodoo went on because following that, a fortune cookie said I should stop procrastinating on my travels. I would like to please the cookie, but cannot. When you walk everywhere you go, Seattle seems very very far away. The damn fortune cookie didn't take into account my lack of wheels or funds.

Donations to the 'HELP OUT A BROKE BROTHER FUND' can be sent to... haha I'm just kidding. Hopefully a job is in my near future. I would like to get in at Boyne Mountain in good ol' Michigan. *fingers crossed* >:)

Faces O,o

"Whoa. That was unexpected." Those were my thoughts as I heard the judge read the verdict.

Although I did, and still don't want Mike to go to jail because of me, it seems to me that the verdict nulls me of any responsibility regarding Mike's trial or prosecution. If the charges against him from me were found not guilty, I don't have a living soul to speak to about this nor should any of y'all going around running your god damned dick beaters about things that you know absolutely nothing about. Ha.

Part of me is happy that he is in custody. The other part of me still worries about those kids. Oh and don't get me started about Twerpalina. Dug her own grave. <I think I have said that before. LOL>

I have roads ahead of me. I need to go see the doctor, and get this whole college thing figured out. Should be of more interesting things to come. ;D

I think I may start to write short stories or something, I realized I really need a hobby. I thought I could take up crocheting. That would be a catch wouldn't it? A young strapping lad, such as myself, to crochet in the waiting room while I am waiting for the nurse at the doctor's office to call my name.

I kinda have no choice but to laugh at this one. xD

Falling....

I am on the edge of a canyon, looking down hundreds of feet to the tiny winding river below. I feel the wind blowing on my back. The heated air whips across my neck. It burns. I glance behind and see the people behind me, all with looks of horror on their faces. They know. I see the other side of the canyon, red earth getting beat down on by the sun and my neck. My lips are dry and cracked from lack of water. I hear vultures squawking above, circling as they await their next meal. I also hear the people behind me screaming how much they love me. I hear them yelling at me, begging me, pleading with me. I don't listen. I never listen. I jump.

mirror...

There is still feeling of unrest that comes from deep within my chest. Like a rock that sits where my heart is supposed to be. I am emotionally unstable. I went from happy to mad to sad in a matter of minutes.

Why am I still being dealt all the shitty cards of the deck? Shouldn't I feel better now that all of this is "over?" Shouldn't I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders? Shouldn't I feel warm and fuzzy when I look in the mirror? Shouldn't this be the time where I bounce out of bed bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, look at the world and shout "Bring it on!"

This may come as news to many people out there, but I am not happy. I feel as if weight has been added, not removed from my shoulders. I feel cold as ice and black as tar when I look in the mirror. I move sluggishly throughout the day. I wear only dark clothing, I think a reflection of my inner self.

Resent

I guess this is the time when I am supposed to say something absolutely stunning, brilliant, deep, heartfelt, and compassionate. Well, honestly, I don't have a god damned thing to say to any of you. You couldn't get more love or compassion out of a fucking rock than I. Utterly bewildered as to why you go and do all of that shit for a fucking liar. Please. Get a grip on reality as well as find yourself some fucking dignity. Get out from underneath that little rock, get your head out of your ass and open your eyes to see the light.

Wow. That felt good.

I guess I feel sorry for those kids. Not to mention Amanda, but she kinda dug her own grave on that one. Hate to be the one that has to go to sleep with that on their mind.

Well what about Mike? Did you love him? I don't see how that is relevant at court anyhow, other than to make me uncomfortable. That's not plausible. The jurors asked me that, and not that little twit of a lawyer. God, he makes me madder than a midget with a yo-yo.

Jamie, a yellow flower. Means friendship. That's about as far as I am going to go with you. I am not even sure you want that. :Honestly don't really give a flying fuck. Remember karma? The three-fold law? It's going to suck for you, and quite a few others.

And when that day comes, where y'all are going to face your own, I want to be there. I want to watch your crumble to your knees. I am going to laugh.

its like rain....

Interesting things in store for the near future. I am ill at heart for all of those affected, realizing how much of it is my fault despite the honest reality of the situation. I thought about trying to make it all go away. No choice but to let the judicial system take its course. I can only do one thing, tell the truth. Any person who wishes or may have wished me to say anything but the truth does not have me in mind, only their own selfish interests at heart.

I would very much like to escape from reality for a little bit. You know, go away and never come back. I have fantasized about growing wings or acquiring some sort of super power that allows me to get out of this. Once again, reality sets in. I realize that I cannot grow wings and fly away. I realize that I cannot disappear off the face of the earth by becoming invisible to the worlds eye. Such things are simply out of the realm of possibility.

Telling the truth is a lot harder than anyone could have imagined. To incriminate another because of wrongs not only removes him, but also removes all of those in support of him. It removes all of the people who said that they care about me. It removes all of the people who said that they love me. It removes all of the people who said that they have had my best interests at heart since the beginning. If that would be the case, they would be behind me right now, only wanting me to say the truth. This is not the case. People deviate from "love" for their own blood or creed.

For I was nothing but another child in the foster care system. I can't blame people for sticking with what they have always known. I am a fool to think that I could change a person. I am a fool to think that my heart would be protected.

Throughout all of this, I have learned many lessons. The most important, I think, that the only person that I can count on now is me. I am the only one that is always going to say I love you when I look in the mirror. I am the only person that is going to have my back when the world turns away from me. I can never count on someone else to support me in times of trouble.

I was deeply saddened when I came to that conclusion. I would have thought that there would be more heart and compassion from others. Granted, I have seen quite a bit of that in this past year in the unlikeliest of places. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Who am I to blame but myself? I have hurt others. I have lied. I have stolen. I have cheated. I have failed. I have regreted. I have apologized. I have been removed from lives, like a piece of cancer being removed from a patient. I have been the one who I despise the most. Despite all of that, I still love me.

Greetings Earthlings!

What does it matter who I am now? What matters of who I am to become. How to live by destiny, if one makes your own choice? Three fold back onto your evil deeds. Love yourself before you can love others.

Its a small world after all....

Him

I forgive you.

Ears-still-wet

Honestly find something better to do with your time. You are broken as it is, I hate to see you shatter when what you support is a horrible thing. Or may you be to ignorant to realize such things.

Felonious

I love you dearly. But one question remands on everyones mind. Why the fuck are you here? I am guessing for moral support of some kind. If thats the case I couldn't have picked better.

Alpha

You know what is right. You know why you are doing it. You must protect yours. If that is the case, I will protect mine. You always told me to forget the past and seek the future. How can take that advice from you when you don't do the same? A bit hypocritical don't you think?

L is for Love

Love is that feeling that doesn't go away no matter how hard you try. Love makes you want to cry, waiting up until four in the morning eating ice cream watching Titanic. Love is when you eat the best fried chicken in the world made while you were dancing in the kitchen. Love makes you laugh hysterically because someone tripped over their own shoelace. Love is watching the rainbow after the storm as the birds come out from hiding. Love is the last piece of chocolate cake, moist and delicious, chocolate sauce dripping and the light steam rising as you cut it with your fork. Love is when you are woken up in the morning with a kiss on your forehead or a hug when you are tucked in at night. Love is when you would do anything and everything for someone just to see them smile a big toothy grin. Love is wishing someone a safe trip before they leave you, knowing that you will never see them again in your entire life. Love is that single tear that is shed over a dog who was a part of your family for as long as they were alive. Love is arguing over the remote with your siblings when you don't want to watch Sponge Bob. Love is yelling at someone because of a wrong, then making up as you both say how it was my fault and not yours. Love is painting a picture with watercolors and giving it to a teacher who just lost a friend. Love is giving your last dollar to a boy who wanted to buy a candy bar. Love is when you are held down to when you slit your wrist because you were meant to live. Love is when you a given a birthday card that made your year and still hangs on the fridge. Love is when you walk after someone so the bridge wont be burnt. Love is when someone cares enough about you to see you go. Love makes you warm on the coldest winter day, as snow stings your face and the wind rips through your hair as you make a snowman. That is what love is to me.

Speed writting...

I never knew that you would lie to me. Did you really think that I was that fucking stupid? I might shed a few tears, but I don't really care. I wanted you to take me away, like in my dreams, but you left and now I am just living a nightmare. Frozen in  time, walking, talking, falling. The world is my own prison. You looked into my eyes and lied to my face. How would that make you feel? I thought that you could see through me. I was right. Still wondering how you do that shit. You let me win, ride, rock and slide. You know when I am lying, see when I am crying; but still do nothing. I start screaming. You get the reaction that you wanted. But now that you have, I must confess. I was fronting. You hate me and love me for the same reason. You need something to believe in. You need to feel something that you aren't getting for your own pathetic existence. Are you looking for a hero? Someone to come save the day? Someone to tell you that everything is right? I am not the one boo. I wish I could rip out a page of the book that makes up my memories. I can't wait to get through this. Its like a phase. My patience is running out. Don't want to be enemies. Life is a mystery. Its hard to believe I am lonely with people all around. But I can believe it. I pushed them out, yes I did. And no no one is getting in. They can throw rocks at the castle all fucking day long, and I am not coming down. Not like that would prove anything though, besides the stubbornness of this writer. But even that has some credibility in my book. I have always believed one thing true, its that life sucks and then you die. I take that to heart. I am not sure how much longer I can continue with the drugs and the eating disorder without killing myself. That is the whole goal with both of them. Then when I die, everyone can blame my death on that and not me just passively suicidal. I honestly need to grow the balls and backbone and do it myself. Thought about it. Doesn't seem like a viable option at this point.

Bittersweet

I know that you are lying and you are probably going to deny it. You think that you can hide it, guess what? You can't! You think that you are so smooth. I'm not going to act like I can't see. I see everything, more than you think I do. Please don't you play like I don't know you, you are only lying to yourself. I already called your bitch, she's my go-to when I am trying to find out about you. You think you are so slick, but you make me so sick. Lately, you have been in your own world, said you was with your friends. So, I sent them a text, just to be respectful. She replied that she hasn't seen you in awhile. I want you to know that you can cut the bullshit.

Something about something

I don't need rehab, it has too strong a hold.
I need sleep, it keeps me up all night.
I have an obsession.
Can you guess what it is?
I see it in my dreams and when I am awake.
I see it down the ally and in the closet.
I hear it in phone calls and see it online.
It is hard to forget.
I think about it all the time.
It is in my heart and mind.
It takes over my soul.
The grip is deadly.
I am suffocating.
I hate it, but it loves me.
I think it sucks, my friends agree.
I would be happy and glad without it.
But I see it going no where.

Maybe....

Are you going to be there when its over?
Are you going to stay by our sides?
Will you disappear?
Will you still love me?
Have you always loved me?
Did you lie?
I am hurt by you.
You made me feel good.
You ripped it away.
You made me smile.
Now I frown.
You made me laugh.
Now I cry.
You hugged me when I needed it.
You kissed me when I wanted it.
You looked at me like I was the only one in the world.
You took my heart.
You felt my soul.
You walked away.
Now I am standing here.
I look at your picture.
My heart was on my sleeve.
You stomped on it.
You crushed it.
You manged it.
Have you no compassion?
Have you no kind words anymore?
Am I really that insignificant that you would leave me?
It was real for me.
I was there in body and spirit.
I trusted you.
I wanted you.
I needed you.
You lost me.
The love is gone.
Its tragic.
I will be ok.

It comes. It goes.

Darkness is everywhere.
It is always there.
It is in my soul.
It makes me sad at times.
I see little.
Light has come.
Breaking through the dark.
It makes me warm.
My soul is overtaken.
I see everything.

My dealings with ED (PART ONE- SHORT)

I was considering my abnormal eating patterns, and I have come to the conclusion about why they are like they are. First let me start of by saying I have always had issues with the fork and knife. By that I mean, I have always had a problem putting food in my mouth to from the beginning. I can remember at ten years old, that I would limit what I fed myself. I did this because at ten years old, the food that I put in my body was the only thing that I could control. I couldn’t control my living situation. Being in foster care, one may find it quite difficult to control what home you are at for a couple of months. I could however control what I ate. So I did.
Another big reason why I continued to stop eating was the ex. Well you see, he liked "skinny" guys. I, of course, wanted to please him. I wouldn't eat, I would loose weight, just so I wouldn't be called fat. If I was skinny, he wouldn't leave me, or so I thought.
It developed into more of a complex. I listened to everyone around me so much that I looked in the mirror and saw myself as very much overweight. I was and am in fact very much underweight. Now people are telling me how skinny I am. I don't like it. Why can't people leave me alone and I will figure out just how skinny I am all on my own.
Does it really matter if I am 300 pounds or 100 pounds? Both are unhealthy. I know that everyone is saying that I should be at a correct or "normal" weight. But who are they to say what is normal? No one is society is normal. Normalcy is far out of reach for most people, especially me.

Pine Rest 2004-2008

I was placed in Pine Rest in the July of 2004. I was brought to the psychiatric hospital for two reasons: one being that I had attempted suicide, and the other being that my food intake had gone so low, that I was about forty pounds under where I should be. I was placed in the C&A Unit, or the Child and Adolescent Unit.

While I was there, I was checked on every ten minutes while my mattress was in the Seclusion Room. The SR, as I like to call it, is a painted brick-walled room. When I say painted, I mean institution white. The color that the walls are in insane asylums. LOL. But anyhow, I was on suicide watch. Apparently, Pine Rest didn’t find it funny that I slipped by everyone the razor blade in my mouth through the checks by the nurses. I then proceede to harm (superficially cut) myself while I was in the bathroom.

I was also a "Food Monitor” patient. A FM is actually a program that they use for ED (Eating Disorder) patients. The program is designed to make sure the patient doesn’t purge food after “eating” it. So, after sitting in front of a plate of scrumptious, actually quite retched, food for a half hour, only eating a couple of small bites to appease the nurses, I was not allowed to use the bathroom for an hour so I couldn't throw up. I was super pissed because I had to pee!

I stayed in the C&A Unit for about three weeks. During this time, I was introduced to my soon to be favorite therapist ever, Linda Faust. The thing about Linda is the woman doesn’t beat around the bush for anything. Her philosophy was because it’s going to taste bad anyway, why would you sugar-coat it. I have adopted this philosophy. She is the most blunt person on the face of the planet. I love it.

I went through some major treatment while I was a Pine Rest. Some of which included, numerous medication changes and rigorous psychological therapy, that I probably didn't need in the first place. I was met weekly sometimes daily by Linda for ED and to talk about therapist stuff (like my feelings and whether or not I wanted to kill myself or anyone that day). I was met bi-monthly by the psychiatrist Dr. S. to see if my medication needed any adjusting. During the first couple of months, I was adjusted rather regularly. By the end of my four-year stay, they had me on a generous regimen of Depakote and Seroquil. I learned to take my meds, and eventually love them.

There were quite some crazy things that happened during my stay there, and surprisingly they weren't by me. Some of the residents there liked to cause trouble (like "going off" and destroying property). These "going off" sessions would include things like oiling the body is lotion then causing a fight. The lotion would allow them to slip out of restraints attempted by staff to control them.
There were a couple of times when I went rather nuts. It was not the same nuts as every other idiot though. I was evil and cunning when I was going off, and generally didn't go off myself. You see, what I would do was cause fights between kids. Kind of pit them against one another. For example, I would go up to one kid and say that so and so was talking about him. That child would then proceed to confront so and so about it. Confrontation and chaos would soon erupt. It was most comical.
I can't say that I really learned anything at Pine Rest except for always do what the man in power tells you to. If you don't your time will be much harder. If you listen and do what is asked of you, your life in an institution will be much easier.

I remained at Pine Rest for a month over four years. I was released in August of 2008.